


Grow Back Together

by MarceEscoto



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: F/M, Mockingjay, Post Mockingjay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-03
Updated: 2014-01-03
Packaged: 2017-12-25 12:50:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 32,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/953303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarceEscoto/pseuds/MarceEscoto
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is my take on how Katniss and Peeta grew back together after the events in Mockingjay (Post Mockingjay). The story of the struggle to rebuild their lives and their love. This is my first fan fic. Please enjoy and leave comments!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

They are the reasons I’m haunted at night. They are the reasons I sometimes lose my grip on reality. They are the reasons I wake up gasping for air at night. Nightmares. They are a constant reminder of the many ways I’ve failed everyone I once loved. Ever since my father died, they’ve become a sort of routine in my life now. Something tells they will never really go away.

My latest nightmare revolves around Prim and my useless attempt of saving her. In my nightmare, I keep trying to reach her and I almost do… but the rest of the parachutes explode. I wake up so suddenly, my head feels dizzy and I have to wait for it to go away. I once realize I’m all sweaty and my body feels exhausted even though I was just sleeping. I seem to notice the hollowness in my chest where once, there was a beating heart. For the first time since I returned to District 12, I take notice of my surroundings. I see that I’m in the living room of my house in Victors Village, in the same outfit I left the Capitol with. I realize I should probably be doing something to get better, but then again, nothing makes sense anymore. Nothing is worth living anymore. Prim was my whole world. I tried to protect her, I volunteered for her in the Games and that still wasn’t enough. She is long gone now and I know I will never see her smile again, or her beautiful blond her. The war took everything away from me, there’s no longer anything the world could offer me. My eyes prick as if they are going to cry, but to my surprise, no tears are shed. My eyes can’t produce anymore tears now; I’ve already suffered a lifetime. 

As I lay there resting in my couch, my thoughts somehow drift off to Peeta. I can’t seem to forget the last time I saw him, when he purposely took the nightlock pill away from him. I remember his beautiful blue eyes, the way they held my gaze and told me he couldn’t let go of me. I wonder where he is now. Deep in my heart I know I will never see him again. District 12 has nothing to offer him; he has nothing to come back to. The tracker jacker venom will always haunt him. I will always be a trigger to him. Perhaps he realized I wasn’t worth it and stopped loving me. The thought of Peeta not loving me, makes me choke and suddenly I have difficult time breathing. I miss him. I miss his warmth beside me. I miss his arms around me, the same arms that made me feel safe in a dangerous world. I remember Haymitch once telling me “You could live a thousand lifetimes and not deserve him.” He was right, I already have lived a thousand lifetimes and I still don’t deserve him. I wish I could see Peeta again, to know that he is ok, that someplace, somewhere, he is happy and well. I would tell him I’m sorry for everything, and that he saved me in all the possible ways a person can be saved. 

I’m so absorbed in my thoughts; I don’t realize Greasy Sae has made her way into my kitchen. I see her assemble the ingredients to what I guess my dinner is going to be. I know I should probably help her, but my body refuses to move. I wordlessly watch her make my dinner and I can’t help to wonder how it should be my mother, not Greasy Sae the one that should be making dinner. My mother refused to come back to District 12, too much memories and pain surrounding this place. I don’t blame her; if I could I would escape this place and never come back. That’s when I realize Greasy Sae is calling my name; I decide to focus on what she is saying:

-“Katniss, dinner is ready and served. Come to eat while it still hot.” 

My body still refuses to move and I just sit there staring at Greasy Sae and see myself reflected in her seam eyes and see the person I’ve become. The girl in the reflection no longer has fire in her eyes, no longer a glow that once inspired a whole nation to rebel, instead I see a girl with no life left in her. I see a corpse. I cringe and a concerned look crosses Greasy Sae’s face.

-“You ok girl? You seem more pale than usual. C’mon lets get some food in your system.”

I let her carry me like a little kid and she sets me at the dinner table and slowly coaxes some food into me. I can only make it to half of the meal before the sick knotting in my stomach threatens to make my dinner come back up. Greasy Sae soon realizes that I can’t eat anymore and decides to clean the kitchen. I go back to sitting in the couch and simply stare at the fire in the hearth. Will I ever feel fire inside of me? Will my heart ever feel emotion again? I listen the front door opening, I turn around to see Greasy Sae stepping out into the cool night air.

–“Goodbye girl, see you tomorrow morning.” Not trusting my voice, I simply nod.

This is the worst part of my days, nighttime. I know my nightmares will be here soon and I dread to see who is next in my long list: Peeta, Prim, Finnick, my Father…they are too many I’ve lost count. I feel my eyelids already starting to slip away and I’m silently hoping there are no nightmares. Surely, soon enough I find myself screaming at the top of my lungs, my face feels flushed and hot and I’m pretty sure I’ve been crying. Tonight it was Finnick and I saw him getting ripped into pieces by Snow mutts. I couldn’t save him either. I couldn’t save anyone. I decide to lie down again and realize there’s no way I will ever be able to fall asleep again. I just lie there watching nighttime turn into daytime. This is another day I have to survive and I have no idea how to do that. I see the first rays of sunlight reaching my windows and I can’t help to think about Peeta again. I miss his laugh, his smile…his inner goodness. Then, as if on cue, I’m reminded that Peeta is gone too…forever. That’s when I hear it for the first time, a sound that seems out of place in the stillness of Victors Village. I’m soon paralyzed with fear, could Snow be back to finish me off? I decide to focus again in the sound. It sounds vaguely familiar; it almost seems like shovels scraping dirt. Summoning all the courage left in me, I decide to walk to the door to find out the source of the sound. Taking a deep breath, I brace myself and open the door. At first, I have a hard time adjusting to the light, too many days indoor I guess. 

After a second or two, I see him.

Peeta. He is back.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I already have 13 chapters written so I decided to might as well post one more today! Expect a steady stream of updates and this story WILL be longer than 13 ch. Enjoy and please comment.

For the longest moment I just stare at him, drinking the sight of him. He is here. In District 12. Outside my porch. He is the Peeta of my memories, the one I’ve chose to remember. His eyes, once so clouded, now are a perfect shade of blue. Somehow, I find my voice. 

-“You’re back.”

-“Dr. Aurelius wouldn’t let me leave the Capitol until yesterday,” Peeta says. “By the way, he said to tell you he can’t keep pretending he’s treating you forever. You have to pick up the phone.”

I notice Peeta looking at me. A worried look crosses his face and I know he sees what I saw in Grease Sae’s eyes. Maybe he is just making sure I’m not worth loving anymore. I cross my arms around my chest feeling somehow defensive. I take a look at the bushes Peeta is planting when the name fully registers. Primrose. I feel the wave of sadness threatening to close upon me. Knowing my voice will betray me, I simply nod and hurry back to my house, closing the door tightly behind me.

Rushing through the stairs, I know I’ll find it. Sure enough, sitting in a vase in my room, there’s a rose from President Snow. Fear catches in my throat and I remember that he is gone and he won’t be back to hurt me. I take the vase with the rose and head downstairs. I throw the rose in the still glowing fire of the chimney and throw the vase across the room, where it shatters in a thousand little pieces. Oddly enough, I feel empowered and the ever constant fear that haunts my daily life dissipates momentarily. I catch my reflection in the living room mirror and decide to do something about that too. I head upstairs, to my room, directly into my bathroom. As I start to undress, I make sure not to look at my scarred body. I’m not ready for that just yet. It takes me a while to get cleaned up, after months of neglecting my hygiene, my body resists. Eventually, I’m able to get clean and head back to my room. I search for an outfit and for the first time in months, I comb my hair with a brush. I tentatively take a look in the mirror and I’m rewarded with a glimpse of my old self. My eyes are still dead but not much to do about that. 

I decide to head downstairs, not knowing what else to do. I end up, once again, in the couch of my living room, refusing to think about Peeta. Why is he here? I drift off to a dreamless sleep, only to be awoken a while later by the usual banter of Greasy Sae making me breakfast. I decide to give her a hand and enter the kitchen. If she is surprised, she doesn’t show it.

-“Hello girl. Nice to see you cleaned up.” She says.

-“Yeah. Do you need any help?”

-“I’m almost done, why don’t you set up the table? Make sure to set out two plates.”

-“You’re staying?” I’m comforted by the thought of Greasy Sae having breakfast with me.

-“Just do it girl. I’ll explain.” She answers me. 

Puzzled by her request, I oblige and set out two plates out. As an afterthought, I bring orange juice to the table and set out two glasses. I sit in my usual place and Greasy Sae slides a plate full of eggs and bacon in front of me. I notice she hasn’t taken a seat to have breakfast with me. I hear the front door opening and I look up only to find Peeta making his way to the place next to me. I’m momentarily frozen and a million memories rush through my mind. He comes bearing a loaf of bread and I can’t help to think that he will always be the boy with the bread to me. Tentatively, he takes a seat next to me.

-“Good morning Katniss.” He says to me.

-“Good morning Peeta.” I answer, almost as a whisper.

He gives me a smile and I experience an unexpected rush of warmth through my body. I try to answer with a smile but I’m pretty sure it looks like a scowl. After our brief exchange, we resume eating our breakfast in companionable silence. Once I’m finished, I realize this is the first meal I’ve managed to finish since my return to 12. I glance back at the kitchen looking for Greasy Sae only to find out she has quietly slipped through the back door. 

-“I think Greasy Sae had to go.” I hear Peeta say.

-“Probably had to check on her granddaughter.” I tell him.

-“Need any help cleaning up?”

-“Sure.”

We quickly gather the plates and head over to the kitchen sink. He washes and I dry. All too soon, we are done and I wish I could have more time with Peeta. As I walk him to the door, I want to ask him to stay but I know I’m not allowed to ask that anymore. Reaching for the doorknob, I’m suddenly aware of Peeta looking at me; I turn around and lock my eyes in his. I can see longing in his eyes and he raises his hand to catch a stray lock of hair and tucks it behind my ear. His forefinger traces down along my cheekbone and jawline and I swear I feel electricity pulsing through me. 

He leaves without any other word.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is a new chapter! Hope you like it! Please enjoy and comment!

Even though it’s been hours since Peeta left my house, I still feel his touch lingering in my face. It’s a tingling sensation that made my heart feel some kind of emotion since the day Prim died. I wish Peeta had stayed; it would make surviving this day more bearable.

Taking a trip down the hallway, I find my bow and sheath of arrows. It feels like an eternity since the last time I’ve held them. I decide to finally face my fears and head to the woods. After dressing and slipping on my father’s hunting jacket I make my way down Victors Village and into town. The day is beautiful, the kind of day in which hope is almost tangible in the air. A while later, I see the rubble that was once Madge’s home. I spot Thom, Gale’s old crewmate poking around, trying to find things worth saving. As I approach him, I utter the question to which I already know the answer.

-“The Mayor?”

-“Didn’t make it. Nor his family.” He answers flatly.

Madge. She was always a great friend. One of the few friends I’ve ever had. Sorry I couldn’t save you. I’m positive she’ll appear in my nightmares tonight. Taking a last glance at the rubble, I quickly resume my walk, eager to escape the smell of death and ash that lingers heavily in the air. Reaching the place where I’ve always entered the woods, I’m quickly appalled by the sight of a massive grave. I see everything, bones and flesh. My people. Sorry I couldn’t save you either. The all too familiar dizziness makes its appearance and I’m stumbling, trying to reach my house. My feet feel wobbly and suddenly everything goes blank. Darkness surrounds me. 

I’m aware of two familiar male voices talking. One sounds deeply concerned.

-“What happened to her?”

-“I don’t know, I found her passed out near the meadow.”

-“Is she ok?”

-“I think she is fine, no bleeding that I can see.”

“I’ll take it from here Thom, I really appreciate all your help.” I’m passed from one set of arms to a pair of warmer arms.

-“No problem Peeta. If you need anything else just let me know.”

-“Sure thing Thom. Bye.”

Peeta! What is he doing here? Before I dwell too much on the answer, I focus my attention on the fact that I’m in Peeta’s arms. These arms will always be the safest place in the world to me. I wish I could stay in them forever. All too soon, Peeta lays me on what I guess is my living room couch. He has to detangle my arms from his neck, for I had been clinging on to him. He covers me with a blanket and heads to the kitchen. I hear plates clattering and pots being moved around. Comforted by his presence, I decide to take a quick nap. I let the sounds emanating from the kitchen dull me to sleep.

Before I know it, I find myself screaming at the top of my lungs. My latest nightmare was about Peeta, how I couldn’t get to him on time. I saw him getting tortured. I saw how they made him stop loving me. I’m still screaming when I hear a soft voice talking to my ear.

-“Shhh. It’s ok Katniss. You’re safe. You’re home, here in District 12.” It’s Peeta holding me in his arms, slowly bringing me back to reality.

-“I’m sorry Peeta.”

-“Katniss, what can you possibly be sorry about?”

-“I couldn’t get to you Peeta, I saw them torturing you. I saw them take you away from me.”

-“Its ok Katniss, I’m here.” He holds me tightly to his chest.

For the longest while, we just sit there, no words needed. I just let him hold me and I let the steady beat of his heart calm me. I don’t know how long I spend in his arms before he speaks again.

-“Are you hungry? I made us some dinner just in case you were hungry.”

-“That sounds good. I’m starving.”

A smiling Peeta leads me to the dining room table and heads to the kitchen. I would offer him my help but my latest nightmare is still reeling in my mind and this time alone will help me put myself together. Whatever that means. It doesn’t take long before Peeta is back with our dinners. Our dinner, some rabbit and wild greens, smells delicious. We began to eat and I notice Peeta going back to the kitchen, when he returns, I see he has baked me some cheese buns. Our first memory together comes back to me, when he first gave that bread on that awful hollow day. Suddenly I feel like I’m 11 years old. I look at Peeta and realize he is thinking about that day too. I feel like I could cry, but instead I offer Peeta a shy smile. His answering smile is so dazzling I think I choked on my food. After I’m done with my dinner, I take bites of the cheese buns and like always, they’re absolutely incredible. I offer to clean the kitchen but Peeta just waves me off and I decide to head over to the couch. I sit and just stare at the fire, a while later Peeta joins me and together we watch the last embers of the fire glow. Out of nowhere, Peeta catches my hand and I can’t help to notice how our hands effortlessly clasp together. Almost like they are made for each other.

-“You’re cold.” He rubs some warmth into my hands.

-“I don’t notice it anymore you know.”

-“Yeah I understand.” A sad smile crosses his face, is a smile that makes my heart ache.

Before I know it, my eyelids are starting to droop and I feel Peeta getting up. I don’t want him to go, so I tell him:

-“Stay with me.”

-“Always.” I can hear the smile in his voice.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I uploaded the wrong chapter! My sincere apologies...but here it is! Please enjoy and comment.

As the first rays of light pass my eyelids, I know it’s time to wake up. At that very moment, the events of the past day come rushing through my mind. I recall Peeta holding me in his arms, making me dinner and giving me bread. Wanting to know if everything was real, I quickly wake up. I notice Peeta is not in the couch, which makes my heart sink. I’m pretty sure I dreamt all of it. My nightmares last night were more bearable and I didn’t trash around like I normally do. Swallowing my disappointment, I decide to get breakfast ready. I’m sure Greasy Sae will appreciate the help. That’s when I notice it. A light snoring. I look around and I find Peeta sleeping in a rocking chair, not far from the couch. Once again, there’s that unexpected warmth seeping through me. It’s so unexpected and such a sweet feeling, I let it fill my body. I decide to let Peeta sleep, I’m pretty sure his nightmares haven’t stopped. I head to the kitchen and quietly start making breakfast. I make some eggs and I had just started chopping up some fruit when I notice a figure in the entrance of the kitchen. I don’t know how long Peeta has been watching me. For a long while we just stand there, staring at each other. For the first time since he is back, I take a real look at him. He is so different to the boy the Capitol tortured. I see his broad chest and muscled arms through his white shirt. I also notice his disheveled blond hair. However, his most striking feature will always be his eyes. I see the calmness in them and their indescribable shade of blue. Before my staring becomes too uncomfortable, I clear my throat and say:

-“Good morning, would you like some breakfast?” I don’t know why I always speak to him in whispers.

-“I would love that Katniss, thankyou.” 

As I finish making breakfast, he quietly sets out the table and I bring the food to the table. As we eat I can’t help feeling normal. Come to think about it, this is the most normal I felt in a long time. I look at Peeta and I know he is feeling the same. We are just about to finish our breakfast when a see a hurriedly Greasy Sae making her way into the house. She is hurrying towards the kitchen she almost misses us sitting at the table. Once she makes sense of the scene before her, she smiles and says:

-“Well I guess I’m not needed anymore around here.”

-“Just wanted to give you some help.” I tell her with a slight smile.

-“In that case, I’ll be back around dinnertime.” She says as she grabs her stuff and heads towards the door.

She is just closing the door behind her when Peeta speaks and asks me:

-“Uhmm Katniss, do you mind if I make you dinner tonight? That way we can give Greasy Sae the day off.” I can tell he is nervous.

-“Sure that’s ok.” I answer him.

Peeta stands up and rushes after Greasy Sae to let her know about our dinner plans. For some strange reason, I’m excited and that’s a feeling I thought I would never have again. For the first time in forever, I have something to look forward to. Shortly after, Peeta comes back and tells me:

-“It’s settled. Greasy Sae didn’t mind one bit.”

-“Good. She’s been great, I want her to rest.” There it is again. Me talking in whispers to him.

-“Most definitely. So about tonight, I’ll be here around 6:30pm, don’t worry about anything. I’ll bring everything. Just relax and enjoy your afternoon.”

Before I can say anything, I look at Peeta and see a conflicting emotion in his eyes. He comes closer and gently takes my face in his hands and plants a soft kiss in my forehead. I’m too stunned to move and my heart skips a beat. This has been happening quite often, every time Peeta touches me. For that brief moment, I feel alive again. Peeta smiles and tells me:

-“I’ll see you later.”

-“Ok.” Is all I can think of saying.

He leaves without any other word and I’m left with a whole day to fill. This should be interesting. I decide to start with something simple: cleaning up the plates from breakfast. While I’m cleaning, I can’t make my mind to quiet down; all my thoughts go back to Peeta. Despite everything we’ve been through, he is the Peeta of my memories: loving, caring and an overall kindness that surrounds him and everywhere he goes. I can’t shake away the fact that Peeta is the only one that came back to District 12. It was his choice. He could’ve gone anywhere, but he decided to come back. This fills me with something so unexpected: hope. Peeta and I still have a long way to go, but is it possible that we can help each other along the way? Before I can dwell too much on the answer, I finish cleaning the kitchen. I head out to my living room and I notice some white sheets of paper and a pen scattered in the coffee table. I take them and stare at them for what seems like an eternity. Suddenly, I’m transported to a different lifetime and I hear Cinna’s voice telling me, “Remember Girl on Fire, I’m still betting on you.” Out of nowhere, words are streaming and before I know it, 5 pages are filled with details about Cinna. From his metallic gold eyeliner, to his talent making clothes, everything. I don’t want to forget him. I decide to finish writing for tears are now streaming down my face. I feel the familiar ache in my chest and I know that if I don’t stop, I’m heading to a complete meltdown. Every time this happens, my body feels tired but I’m afraid to go to sleep, my nightmares will follow everywhere. I decide to lie down anyway and I’m soon drifting away.

I wake up right before they drag Cinna’s limp body away, before I can get to him. I’m sweating and my tear streaked face just confirms what I already know, I’ve been crying. My sore throats can only mean I’ve been screaming too. I stay there until I can make my breathing and the pounding in my chest slow down. I glance at the living room clock and see that’s it 5:30pm. I still have one more hour before Peeta gets here. I decide to set the table for the two of us before he arrives, that way we can eat right away. I’m starving. By 5:50pm I have everything set up and I head upstairs to my room, to take a shower and change into fresh clothes. By 6:20, I’m all cleaned up and it’s only a matter of waiting for Peeta to get here. I was expecting him to be here earlier, but for some strange reason he is not here. Minutes drag and by 7:10 is pretty clear that Peeta is not coming. I’m overwhelmed with this horrible feeling to just cry. Maybe Peeta realized that he could do so much better than being here making dinner to someone no one has the heart to tell her she is insane. Perhaps, he just realized he deserves someone and something better. Peeta can still have a wonderful life; I’m the only thing standing in the way. The emptiness in my chest hits me with such a physical force, my knees buckle and I slump to the floor. I have no strength to sit up again, so I just stay there and cry and cry and cry.

It’s so silent in Victors Village, you could almost hear your own heartbeat. If I pay close attention, I could almost hear my own heart breaking further into a million pieces. Suddenly, I hear something out of place, like someone trashing an entire room. I realize the sound must be coming from Peeta’s home. Before I know it, I’m rushing out of my house and heading towards his. I’m on instinct mode and I feel like I’m back at the Quarter Quell, trying to reach Peeta before destroying the force field. Reaching his house, I head straight to the door, only to find out its locked. It takes all the strength in me to pry it open, but I finally manage to do it and enter the house. Slowly, I process the scene before me. It’s my biggest nightmare come true.

It’s Peeta. Passed out, in a scary pool of blood.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you are liking my story! Here is a new chapter! Enjoy and leave comments!

The scene before me instantly makes me sick. It’s gruesome and this time, my biggest nightmare is a horrible reality. Realizing I’ve been holding my breath, I slowly make my way to where Peeta is. As I come closer, I realize the pool of blood comes from his wrists. From what I can see, the bleeding has stopped, but he has lost quite some blood. I need to get him clean and bandaged. Rummaging through the kitchen, I find a first aid kit and go back to where Peeta is. I slowly clean the wounds on his wrists and wrap them up in a sterile bandage. I asses his condition and found out he has other wounds. He has a long bruise along his cheek and jawline. He also has some glass shards in his feet. I decide to get them clean and little by little I’m able to dig out all the glass bits. I gently wrap them in a fresh set of bandages. I can’t help to think to a time where I was cleaning a different set of wounds, during our first Games. It feels like a lifetime ago. Pushing the thought out of my mind, I realize I need to get him into bed, so he can rest. I gently shake him and he wakes up and I see them, his blue eyes are gone. I instantly know his episode hasn’t finished. 

Before I can make a run for it, Peeta grabs me by the neck and slowly but painfully he starts choking me. I try to reach to him, to make him come back to me, but the more I reach out the faster he chokes me. I can feel the fresh blood seeping out of his wrists wounds, staining my neck and chest. This is only further proof that Snow won, that our lives will always be tethered by the Games. Just when I’m about to lose conscious, I feel Peeta being yanked away from me. The pressure around my chest suddenly vanishes. As I’m gasping for air and taking huge gulps of it, I see Peeta struggling against Haymitch arms. Haymitch. I haven’t seen him since we came back to 12. For all I know, he was dead to the world. Perpetually living in a state of utter drunkenness that lets him escape his own nightmares.

Peeta is trying to break away from Haymitch’s grasp and again I see the rage that possesses Peeta’s eyes. I can only see one thing in them: hate. I can’t leave him like this, not after everything he has done for me. He is my friend and I need to at least try. I owe him that much. Before I can stop them, words are coming out of my mouth. 

-“Peeta, it’s ok. You are safe. Calm down.” My voice is all raspy.

-“Get away from me! You’re just here to finish me off right?! You are a mutt! A stinking mutt!” He is practically shouting.

-“Peeta please. Come back to me, don’t let them take you away from me.”

I can see it, he remembers the words. I can see that he is trying to figure out what’s real and what’s not. It nearly breaks my heart completely to see how much he is trying. I see how his black irises slowly come back to that shade of blue I love so much. He finally comes back to his senses and glances at the destruction the surrounds us and finally sets eyes on me. He slowly understands what he has done; he needs no further proof than the bruises slowly spreading to my neck. I see his face and he is completely horrified. He slowly finds his voice and tells me:

-“I’m sorry Katniss. I’m so sorry.”

Before I can answer him, he once again passes out in Haymitch’s arms. His episodes must drain out all his energy. Haymitch steadies him and together we take him upstairs to his room. Once we tuck him into bed, I see that his wounds have reopened and again I reapply a new set of bandages. Just when I’m finishing tucking him into bed, I notice Haymitch at the door. Watching my every move. Once I’m done, he speaks for the first time tonight.

-“C’mon, lets go downstairs.”

Not knowing what else to do, I follow him downstairs and wordlessly we start cleaning up the aftermath of Peeta’s episode. I realize how much I’ve missed Haymitch. How we are able to connect without the need of words. We just move around noiselessly around the house. He doesn’t offer an opinion, after all, what can he possibly say after what happened tonight? It takes a while to clean the mess and by time we are done, it’s almost 1:00am. We quietly close the door and he walks me home. As I’m reaching the front steps of my house, Haymitch takes a sit in one of the steps and pats the spot next to him. I sit down and after a long silence, he finally speaks.

-“Are you ok?” I can see him opening a flask.

-“Have I ever been ok? I’m a wreck Haymitch, in every way.”

-“Yeah, I figured. However, no matter what happens, the boy needs you.” He takes a long pull of whatever he’s drinking.

-“Need me? You saw what happened tonight Haymitch, I’m a trigger to him. He will always struggle against my memory, and it’s all my fault. If he had some common sense left, he should leave District 12. He can still have a fulfilling life somewhere. Anywhere but here.”

-“Katniss, you both need each other. You might not see it, but I do. As your mentor, I’m telling you, don’t give up. Don’t give Snow any more reasons to win.” He pats my knee awkwardly.

-“I don’t know what to do Haymitch.”

-“You will sweetheart, just give it some time.” He stands up and starts heading out to his house.

-“Hey Haymitch?”

He looks up. –“Yeah.”

-“Thanks for helping me tonight.”

-“Anytime sweetheart.” He smiles and leaves.

I stay a while outside long after Haymitch is gone. I wanted to contemplate the stillness of the night. It’s so peaceful out here, completely different to the mess that I call my life. After what seems like an eternity, I finally decide to enter my house and try to get some sleep. I head to my room and flop in my bed not even bothering to change my clothes. I’m dreading going to sleep, something tells me my nightmares will hit hard tonight, if that’s even possible. The next time I open my eyes, it’s already day time. This time, thankfully, I can’t remember my nightmare. Enough with the one I lived last night. I head to my bathroom and gasp loudly when I see the bruises around my neck, all perfectly shaped like Peeta’s fingers. Before I lose on my grip on reality, I step into the shower and quickly start scrubbing the blood from yesterday. Not long after, I’m all clean and changed. I head downstairs to look for something to eat. Come to think about it, the last time I ate was breakfast the day before. I’m famished and decide to make breakfast myself. Something tells me Greasy Sae won’t come by today. As an afterthought, I make a second plate to take to Peeta. I eat my breakfast and shortly after, I’m heading to Peeta’s home. Once I’m inside, the house is quiet and I know Peeta hasn’t left his room. I head upstairs and open the door and I quietly set the food on a night stand. I sense someone grabbing my hand and I realize Peeta is awake.

-“Katniss, I’m sorry. I don’t know to say.” He tells me quietly.

I slowly turn around to face him and I hear his sharp intake of air and I know he sees the bruises.

-“I’m a monster. Look what I did to you.” A single tear escapes his eyes. I wipe it away, Peeta rarely cries.

-“It’s ok Peeta.”

-“No Katniss, none of this is ok.”

-“Peeta, all of this is my fault. I’m the one that triggers the episodes. You deserve a better life than this.”

-“No, there has to be some other way.” He is practically choking on his words. I’ve never seen Peeta struggle with words before.

-“There isn’t Peeta. We both know it.”

I start heading out the door when he speaks again.

-“Stay with me.”

But I don’t answer him. He promised me “Always”. Not me.

I close the door behind me.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keeping up with the steady stream of updates...a new chapter! I hope you like it! Enjoy and please comment!

I can’t even make it to Peeta’s doorstep before I’m crying my eyes out. The small sense of happiness I’d felt this past days is now gone. After seeing Peeta’s episode, I’m now convinced I’m probably the worst thing for Peeta right now. It would be selfish of me to stand in the way of his recovery. This is it. He and I cannot even be friends. At the end of the day, Snow found all the ways to break me. I will gladly get away from Peeta if it helps him heal. The thing is…I already miss him so much. 

Somehow, I’m able to make it to my house and head straight to Prim’s room. How I wish she was here. She would tell me things are going to be ok. She always knew what to say. I wish I could hug her and let her comfort me. The lonely ache in my heart is back, with a force I’ve never felt before. Slowly and painfully, I can feel my body shutting down. I can’t move, my body is numb as well as my mind. For the longest time, I shut away from the world. It might be days and I wouldn’t ever notice. Sometimes I wonder, would it be better if I stayed like this forever? Perhaps feeling nothing is better than feeling everything. 

I have the vague sense of someone opening the door to Prim’s room. Not that I have the strength to move. I then feel a shift in weight on the mattress in which I’m lying, almost like someone is sitting next to me. Suddenly, I hear the kindest voice in the world talking to me.

-“Katniss, are you ok? It’s me Peeta.”

I can’t seem to find the will to move. Every muscle in my body is locked in place. Peeta then resorts to lightly shake me, getting no response from me. I can hear the concern in his voice when he once again tries to coax a response out of me.

-“Katniss, please talk to me. How can I help you?”

Seeing that I’m not moving any time soon, Peeta sighs heavily and picks me up in his arms. It seems like I’ve lost a lot of weight, I wonder how many days I was out of it. Being extremely careful, Peeta takes me back to my room and lays me in my bed. I see him enter my bathroom and starts filling up the bathtub. Shortly after, he is back and slowly carries me into the bathroom and into the tub. I see lots of foam and bubbles forming at the top. With all the tenderness in the world, Peeta slips me off my sleeping dress. Now I understand the purpose of the bubbles. He doesn’t want me to feel uncomfortable; he must have the same scars I have. I’ve always loved this about Peeta, he always seems to know what makes me feel better. I can see in his eyes no lust, just pure love and adoration. After I’m all cleaned up, he carefully takes me out of the tub and wraps me in a thick bathrobe. He is such a gentleman, always keeping his eyes in the task ahead, not once making me feel self-conscious. He then takes me back to my room and makes me sit in the bed before going to the dresser to get a fresh pair of clothes. He lays them next to me and tells me:

-“Katniss, I’m going to be outside your room while you change. Is that ok?”

Finally, I utter my first words in days. –“That’s ok.” I tell him softly.

Peeta seems relieved to finally coax a response out of me. I wouldn’t blame him, I was starting to worry I might never snap out of it. I slowly dress and brush my hair and put my hair in my signature braid. After 20 minutes or so, I hear a soft knock. I turn and find Peeta peeking in to see if I’m ready. When he is sees that I am, he smiles and tells me:

-“You look beautiful.” I know he means it, I can see it in his eyes.

Not knowing what to say, I’ve never been good with compliments, I just stand there not saying anything. Peeta, noticing this, clears his throat and tells me:

-“Would you mind coming downstairs with me? There’s something I want to talk with you.”

-“Sure, lets go.” I tell him.

After making our way downstairs, Peeta guides me to the back porch of my house. In all the time I’ve lived in Victors Village, I’ve seldom come here. The sunset is right around the corner and the sky is this incredible shade of oranges. I can’t help to think this is Peeta’s favorite color. He must love the scene in front of us. For the longest time, we just sit there, watching the incredible event taking place in front of us. It reminds me of the time when we were at the terrace of the Training Center back in the Capitol. Such a lifetime ago. I sense Peeta will talk when he is ready; I decide to give him all the time he needs to gather his thoughts together. Not long after, I know Peeta is ready to talk.

-“Katniss, I don’t know how to tell you how sorry for what happened the other night. Hurting you is one of the things I can’t forgive myself. Before the hijacking, my biggest nightmare was losing you and I can’t fathom the idea that I’m the one hurting you. Please know it makes me sick to my core. I’m sorry.” He stares infinitely at his hands. He must hate the damage they can make.

-“Peeta, I’m the one that’s sorry. Because of me you got hijacked. Snow did it to break us both and he did. Seeing you struggle that much against yourself nearly broke my heart for the millionth time. I don’t think I will ever be able to repay you this damage they’ve done to you.”

-“Remember back in the arena during the Quarter Quell when I told you that if you died, there wasn’t any life for me at all back in District 12?”

-“Yes I remember Peeta.” I can’t believe he still has this memory of us intact.

-“Well, that’s still true Katniss. My life is wherever you are. It’s always been like that.”

-“Peeta, I can’t give you the life you deserve. You deserve so much better than this. Look around, you could be anywhere, happiness must be somewhere for you. It would be selfish for me to ask you to stay.”

-“Katniss, we’ve always lived in a world where most of our choices aren’t ours to make. But I want to be here, all I could ever want is right here next to me.” He takes my hand in both of his. “We still have a long way to go and I want to be in your life in whatever way you let me. So please let me in Katniss.”

They say that love is found in the most simple of acts. I’ve finally understood the meaning of that. It doesn’t get any simpler than holding hands watching the sunset. Despite all the hope I feel inside of me, I feel something familiar making its way towards me: fear. Letting Peeta in means opening myself to lose him. I can’t lose any more people I care for. It would be the end for me. Glancing back at Peeta, I see the peace that surrounds him as he watches the sky slowly transform into nighttime. I realize that’s something I long for, some peace of heart. Something tells me Peeta will always be good on his promise to always stay. Is it possible that one day I will be able to promise him that too? 

For the first time, I feel completely relaxed and warm. So I tell him:

-“Okay”.

-“Then you’ll allow it?” I know he is smiling.

-“I’ll allow it.” I say. 

He sits there smiling and for the first time in ages, I actually laugh. It’s such a sweet feeling that only Peeta could get out of me. He lets go of my hand and wraps his arms around me. His chin rests in my shoulder and I can still feel his smile against my neck, echoing my own. 

I can feel the peace already.

We stay there long past the sunset.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On to chapter 7! Please enjoy and leave a comment.

After our long conversation, we find ourselves with the same smile plastered in our faces. I’m still wrapped in Peeta’s arms and I can feel his warmth seeping through me and making me feel a peacefulness that I thought I’ll never have again. It takes a while before Peeta decides to break the silence of the night and he asks me:

_”By any chance are you hungry? I want to make up for the dinner we never got to have. I brought everything I need.”

-“That sounds great; I can’t remember when was the last time I ate.” I tell him smiling.

As if on cue, my stomach grumbles, indicating just how hungry I am. Peeta, hearing this, laughs and says:

-“Well, that settles it.” He lets go of me so we can stand but quickly takes my hand. “C’mon lets go.”

He guides me to the diner room and tells me to get comfortable while he gets our dinner started. I don’t really want to be alone right now so I tell him:

-“Would you mind if I help you make dinner? I don’t feel like being alone right now.”

Peeta clearly understands what I’m talking about; he must have days like these too. He just smiles and says:

-“I would love that. Lets get started then.” He guides me to the kitchen. “Could you start chopping up some of these vegetables while I get the meat ready?”

-“Sure, give them to me.” I say.

Peeta hands me a cutting table and a knife and we both get on with the task of getting our dinner ready. I’m starting to be amazed as to how comfortable silence can be with Peeta around. Not once, I feel the need to fill the silence with chatter. Almost like just being the two in the room is enough. Peeta moves around noiselessly around the kitchen and I can’t help to wonder how his hands are able to do so many tasks at the same time. Not long after our meat is ready and our vegetables too. Out of nowhere, he gets a rack of cheese buns. He knows they are my favorite and the fact that he took the time to make them for me, makes me feel an unexpected rush of warmth. It’s been a long time since I’ve had that. 

-“Ready to eat? We should probably get the table ready. Mind bringing some plates and cutlery? Oh, and some glasses too? I brought some orange juice too.”

-“Perfect. I’ll be right back.”

I come back with everything he tells me and we silently start eating our food. It might be simple fare, nothing like the food found back in the Capitol, but we made it together and that makes it somehow special. The food of course, is so delicious I stuff myself until I can’t hold one more single bite. I look at Peeta, leaning back in his chair and realize that he must have had too much to eat. For the second time in the night, I laugh. 

-“Hey, why are you laughing?” Peeta tells me with a puzzled look. 

-“Nothing, you just look a little green. Too much to eat.” I laugh again.

-“Well, right back at you.” He retaliates and laughs along with me. 

I feel the familiar sleepiness after a big meal so I suggest Peeta that we head over to the living room couch, that way we can have some rest before we have to clean up the kitchen. He complies, seeming relieved that we don’t have to clean the kitchen just yet. We head over to the couch, not before adding some wood to the fire. We sit in the couch next to each other. Once again we sit in companionable silence, just watching the fire grow back. I clear my throat.

-“Thanks for dinner. It was great. I really appreciate you coming over to make it.”

-“What are you talking about? You helped out too; I should be the one thanking you.”

-“With my help or not, I still wanted to thank you.”

-“Well, you are welcome Katniss.” He grabs my hand and I instantly feel the warmth that is Peeta.

Peeta then resorts to play with my fingers, not once losing the smile that’s been in his face all night. However, I can feel a nervousness emanating from him, and I can’t understand why. He lets go and wraps one arm around my shoulders. He still holds one of my hands in one of his and I can’t help to think this is the closest we’ve been since the Quarter Quell. I know realize just how much I missed his closeness, of hearing the steady beat of his heart. My thoughts somehow drift to that moment when his heart stopped, when I thought he was gone, unreachable. I push the thought out of my mind, comforted by the feeling of Peeta beside me. Before I know it, I’m starting to drift off. Vaguely at the back of my mind, I feel Peeta scoop me up the couch and taking me to my bed.

I’m quickly transported to the Arena and I hear Peeta screaming, a blood curling scream. My feet are moving, running, trying to reach to him. The faster I run, the more horrifying the screams become. I’m yelling desperately, calling his name and he calls back, begging me to help him.

-“I’m coming Peeta! I’m coming!” I yell back with everything that I got. 

I finally reach a figure that’s lying in the floor. As I come closer, I realize its Peeta. I kneel beside him, calling his name. He doesn’t respond and when I reach to hear his heartbeat, I hear nothing. I start screaming his name; shaking him…I even slap him. I finally realize the awful truth; Peeta is dead, gone forever. That’s when I really start screaming.

-“Katniss wake up. You are ok, you are safe.” I hear someone saying.

I manage to open my eyes and I’m still screaming. That’s when I take in the fact that I was having a terrible nightmare. I realize the voice talking to me was Peeta’s. I’m finally able to stop screaming and I’m soon gasping for air. I look up and I see the concern echoing from Peeta’s eyes. He busies himself with wiping the steady stream of tears that are flowing from eyes. He then wraps his arms around me and holds me until I’m able to stop shaking. I can’t seem to find my voice, and it’s Peeta who finally breaks the tension in the room.

-“Katniss are you ok? You couldn’t stop screaming. I was downstairs cleaning up the kitchen when I heard you.”

-“It was a nightmare, it was you. You were dead and I couldn’t get to you. I had failed you, just like I did everyone else.” I once again start crying, horrible sobs this time.  
Peeta just holds me tighter until I completely cry myself out.

-“Katniss, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere ok?”

-“Peeta, I just, I couldn’t do anything. I felt hopeless. Powerless.”

-“If there’s someone that understands that Katniss, is me. I know what it feels to be hopeless. I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve felt powerless around you. From the time I gave you that bread to that horrible night at the top of the Cornucopia. You know what’s the worst day of loving someone Katniss?”

-“What day?” I ask. 

-“It’s the day you lose them Katniss. I already have had too many of those days. I’m promising that as long as you let me, I’m always going to be here. You are not going to lose me, just in the same way I hope I never lose you again. That much I can give you.”

I’m unable to give Peeta a response; I’m still processing everything he has said to me. Peeta, sensing this, simply tells me:

-“Why don’t you go back to sleep?” 

I know Peeta isn’t pushing any response of any kind but I don’t want him to go. Summoning all my courage, I ask him:

-“Would you stay with me tonight?” It’s barely a whisper.

Peeta looks surprised but he just smiles and answers:

-“Of course.”

He starts taking of his shoes and I make room for him. He lies on his back and wraps his arms around me. My head rests on his chest and I can feel the steady beat of his heart. Right now is the only thing that could calm me. I then reach a conclusion; this has always been one of my favorite sounds in the world. I know that wherever this heartbeat is, kindness is also there. Peeta slowly draws small circles in my back and soon I’m relaxed enough to go back to sleep.

Before I drift off, I hear Peeta whisper.

-“Stay with me.”

So I finally tell him.

-“Always.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, a new chapter, please enjoy and leave a comment! :)

For some strange reason, I feel completely rested for the first time in months. I know its daytime already; I can feel the sunrays pass through my eyelids. This doesn’t make any sense. Usually during the mornings, I feel tired, extremely tired and a sense of dread and fear lingers in my mind. Today, I don’t have any of that. Instead I feel a peace and warm radiating everywhere. When I decide to open my eyes, I find myself wrapped in Peeta’s arms. I hardly remember why I asked him to stay the night. It doesn’t really matter why, I’m just glad he is here. We managed the darkness just like we did in the games, together. He still fast asleep and for the first time, I notice a scar just below his jawline. I run my fingers along the scar, and instead of finding those scars repulsive like I do the ones that mark my body, I find them beautiful. This is Peeta, and I will never forget how he got those scars, trying to reach Prim and me that awful day the Capitol fell down.

Prim. I miss her too much. I have to control my train of thought; otherwise I’ll head down a place I can’t out alone. I’m still stroking Peeta’s face when he catches my hand and smiles. Still with eyes closed he asks:

-“No nightmares?”

-“No nightmares at all. You?”

-“Not at all. I missed having a full night’s sleep.”

Peeta opens his eye and I can’t help to be fascinated by his blue eyes. They are such an indescribable shade of blue. Peeta just stares at me smiling. I sense he wants to kiss me. I honestly don’t know where we are standing. Sure we hold hands and a occasional kiss to the forehead. Asking him to stay the night feels like a huge step. Feels like some invisible barrier has been broken. I can’t say that I’m sorry though, I wanted him to stay. I know Peeta will never push things; he is content that we are in speaking terms. The fact that he is always looking out for me, after everything that has happened, makes me want to cry. I will truly never deserve him, one way or another.   
Peeta decides to wake up and as he is putting his shoes back, he asks me:

-“I wanted to make something special for you today. Would you like to come on a picnic with me?”

-“Where to?” This should be interesting.

-“I was kind of hoping you knew someplace we could go. I mean, you know the forest better than I do.”

-“I think I know a place. Are you going to come for real this time?” As soon as the words leave my mouth, I instantly regret them. It was a low blow.

I see the pain that crosses Peeta’s face and I know that I’ve hurt him. I really am a terrible person.

-“Peeta, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it that way.” I feel horrible.

-“That’s ok Katniss, I promised myself I was going to spend the rest of my life making it up to you. For all the times I’ve hurt you.” The pain in his voice is palpable.

I quickly stand up and wrap my arms around his neck and pull him close. His arms hesitate slightly before he rests his hands in the small of my back.

-“There’s nothing you have to make up Peeta. That’s my job. I’m sorry if I hurt you.”

He stays silent for a long time. I can’t help to feel worse and worse with every passing minute. When the silence gets unbearable, I speak again.

-“I would love to go to a picnic with you. As a matter of fact, I know the perfect place.”

He finally speaks again. –“Are you sure? It’s ok if you don’t want to go. I understand.”

I’m not having any of this. I unwrap my arms from his neck and pull him out of the bedroom.

-“Let’s go, we are going on a picnic.”

Peeta finally laughs and tells me:

-“You would probably want to go change. I don’t think a sleeping dress qualifies as proper attire.” He laughs again.

I take a look at myself and realize he is right. I laugh and tell him:

-“Oh that’s right, I need to go change.”

-“Tell you what, go change and I’ll come back in a little while with everything.”

-“Perfect.” I say.

-“I promise I’ll be back soon Katniss. Really I do.”

I see in his eyes that he wants that this small promise to mean so much more. I smile at him.

-“I’ll see you soon then.”

I take a quick shower and after finding proper clothing, I hear a soft knock coming from my door. I head downstairs and when I open it, there he is. Peeta, carrying a picnic basket. He smiles at me.

-“I told you I was coming back.”

-“You did, you were good on your promise.”

-“You ready to go?”

-“Yes. Wait, I think I forgot something.” I head back to my house and look for my bow and arrow. Perhaps today is the day I use them again. I feel better about everything when Peeta is around me. I figured it was worth the shot.

-“Ok, I’m ready. Let’s go.”

Peeta grabs my hand and simply says:

-“By all means please, lead the way.”

We walk to my old house, to the place where I always entered the woods. I feel a familiar ache and a sadness that threatens to choke me. I feel Peeta’s thumb rub soothing circles in my hand. Urging me forward, letting me know he is here. I push forward and before I know it, we are quite deep in the woods and I can’t help to take my first real breath in months. There’s something so liberating about the woods, it’s something I can’t really describe. I sense Peeta feeling the same. After walking for a while, we finally reach our destination. It’s an overlook, and as far as the eye can see, there are mountains. It’s beautiful. A sunset here, is one of the most spectacular things I’ve ever seen. Can’t wait to show it to Peeta. He would love it. 

Peeta slowly starts taking stuff out of the basket. He first pulls out a long blanket and carefully lays it out on the floor so we can sit. He then starts pulling our food. He takes out fruit, bread, and a small assortment of cheeses, cheese buns of course, and a bottle of juice. As we settle to eat our food, which is amazing, I have a feeling of happiness that I know is connected to Peeta. At the same time, it fills me with fear. Today I saw for the first time how much a few wrong words can hurt him. I can’t stand hurting him anymore, not after everything we’ve been through. After we finish eating, Peeta tells me:

-“Would you mind if I sketch you? I brought my art supplies with me.”

-“Sure I don’t mind. What do you want me to do?”

-“Just stay as you are. It shouldn’t take long.”

I’m happy to look the beautiful scenery, so Peeta’s request isn’t much of a problem. Before I know it, Peeta is done.

-“Here, want to look at it?”

-“Sure, show it to me.”

He hands me over his sketching pad and I’m amazed by what Peeta has done. I look at the drawing, and I see someone beautiful, radiant as the sun. I can’t help but to feel confused. This can’t be me. My body is scarred, the war left its marks everywhere. I look over at Peeta, and finally realize that this is how I look to him. No matter what, I will always be the most beautiful thing to him. Peeta clears his throat.

-“You know, you were right.”

-“About what?”

-“I do have a weakness for beautiful things.” He blushes beet red.

I can’t help to blush myself. I really don’t know what to say. Before it gets too uncomfortable, Peeta asks me:

-“Want to play a game?”

-“What game?” 

-“I throw this apple to the air and you skewer it with one of your arrows.”

The game does really sound like a fun. I better start of slow with my bow and arrow.

-“Alright, let’s play.”

Peeta throws the apple high in the air and just like the old days, I hit without a hitch.

-“Hey, you still got it. Want to do it again.” Peeta is smiling at me.

-“Yes! It was fun.”

Peeta gets another apple from the basket and throws it slightly higher in the air. Once again, it’s a perfect shot. We do this 5 more times before Peeta announces we’ve run out of apples. 

-“I think we should head back home anyway.” He says with a sad smile.

-“Wait, there’s something I wanted to show you.”

-“What is it?”

-“You’ll just have to wait and see.” I say with a ring of finality.

Peeta lets it go, and lies down in the blanket. I sit next to him, waiting for the sunset to come. Shortly after, I’m rousing Peeta, telling him to look beyond the mountains.

-“I didn’t think you would want to miss it. It’s your favorite color.” I say.

-“Wow. It’s incredible Katniss. Thank you.”

I know Peeta is mesmerized by it. I see his eyes trying to memorize everything. To paint it perhaps. 

-“I wanted you to see it. It’s my way of saying I’m sorry for hurting you today.”

Peeta smiles at me and grabs my hand. Together we watch the last rays of light slowly turn to night time. He finally speaks:

-“I think we should really go now.”

-“Yes, c’mon. I know a shortcut we can take.”

With my shortcut, we are quickly back in Victors Village. Peeta and I make it to my home and as he goes to the kitchen to take care of some things from last night, I go to store my bow and arrow. When I come back to the kitchen, I find Peeta clutching to the back of chair, he is fighting an episode. I’m paralyzed with fear; I don’t know what to do. I don’t want Peeta to hurt me, but I don’t want to leave him alone. As I’m deciding what to do, I see Peeta slumping to the floor. His episode must be over. I quickly head over to where he is and slowly wake him up. When he opens his eyes, I’m relieved to see they are no longer dilated. He looks at me and tells me:

-“Please tell me I didn’t hurt you.”

-“Peeta you didn’t. I’m ok. Are you ok?”

-“Just a little tired that’s all.”

I help him get off the floor. He is very weak. His episodes must drain all his energy. 

-“I should probably go. It’s better if I leave you.”

But I don’t want him to go. I wrap my arms around him and hold him in place.

-“Please don’t go.”

-“Katniss is not safe. I promise I’ll be here first thing in the morning.”

-“Stay with me.”

He leans his forehead into mine and I can feel the conflict of emotions boiling in him. Before I know it, we are kissing. It feels like we are kissing for the first time. I feel that thing in my chest again, the warmth that spreads everywhere, to the tips of my being. That feeling of wanting more and more. I don’t know how long we stand there kissing. When we finally break apart, Peeta smiles a breathtaking smile and I know I have the same smile in my face. He kisses me one more time, a sweet and adoring kiss. I kiss his forehead and hold him even closer. I feel his arms encircling me, and I feel safer than ever. 

-“Let’s go, you must be tired.” I say.

-“Ok, lets go.”

As we settle in bed, the fear that I felt earlier has dissipated. It’s no longer there. 

I drift off to a dreamless sleep, enveloped in Peeta’s warmth.


	9. Chapter 9

I hear a crowd. I hear people screaming. I hear people urging everyone to move faster, to run. I feel someone push me and I almost lose balance. That’s when I see them, lots of little kids, carefully lined up in Snow’s mansion. I can see their faces plagued with fear, with confusion. The parachutes quickly land before them and their excited faces believe that finally someone has come for their aid. Before I can call out for help, the parachutes go off. In a blink of an eye, they are gone. I’m too scared to open my eyes. When I finally do, I see them. Mutilated little kids. Small body parts scattered everywhere. The smell of blood lingers heavily in the air. I can almost feel their blood running through my face. Before I know it, I’m screaming at the top of my lungs. I’m trying to reach them, I want to help. I can’t stop screaming, I see the agonizing faces of the ones that weren’t killed by the initial blast. It’s a massacre, one that shows you the kind of evil people can inflict. I’m still screaming, I can’t seem to stop.

-“Katniss, what’s wrong? Please wake up.” I hear a soft voice telling me.

When I manage to open my eyes, I feel the familiar soreness in my throat. This could only mean that I’ve been screaming in my sleep. I’m wrapped in a pair of warm arms; they hold me close I can barely breathe. I don’t care. These arms mean I’m safe; those arms are there to comfort me. To my surprise, they do. When I finally am able to calm down, I look up and see the concern echoing from Peeta’s eyes. 

-“Feeling better? I had a hard time waking you up. It seemed like you couldn’t snap out of it. What was it?” The concern in his voice is clear.

-“Little kids, mutilated everywhere Peeta. They all died because of me. I took their lives away. Their blood is in my hands.” I start shaking.

-“Katniss it’s ok, it was just a bad dream. You are safe ok?”

-“Is it Peeta? I’m here safe, when lots of parents are still mourning the loss of their small children.”

-“Katniss, there are things we will never understand. But you are here, alive. I’m also here. The best we can do is making all their lives count. We have to move forward, we will never start living if we stay stuck in the past.”

-“Is not that easy Peeta.”

-“Nothing is ever easy Katniss, you and I know this better than anyone. You’re the strongest person I know, the bravest. I hate to see you this way. I want you to start living.”  
Peeta’s words do comfort me. They also make me cry, because they are true. Is it possible that I can start living again? I look over at Peeta and realize that maybe, for the first time, I’ve started to live again. Peeta brought me back from the dead, he did the impossible. He sees my tear streaked face and slowly starts wiping them away.

-“Sorry if I woke you up.” I say shyly.

-“That’s ok Katniss. You know there’s no place I’ve rather be.”

I remember when this sort of comments, the ones that hinted his love for me, used to bother me so much. Now, something has changed, this comments make the muscles in my stomach clench with anticipation. I can’t quite describe it; I simply can’t put it into words.

-“Thank you. For everything Peeta.” I bury my face in his neck. I breathe his familiar scent. He has always had this sweet scent emanating from him. It adds to my ever growing sense of protection.

-“There’s nothing to thank me for.” He strokes my hair soothingly.

I look up to stroke his face; he catches my hand and plants a small kiss in it. I remember this gesture, from our first games. I remember wondering where he had picked it up from. I’ve come to realize it was his love for me that motivated that gesture. It’s something he reserves only for me. He leans down and kisses me softly. Instantly, calmness floods my body and I want to never let of him.

-“You want to go back to sleep?” He asks.

I hesitate. I don’t really want to go back to sleep. Even with Peeta here I know my nightmares come again if I close my eyes. Right now, the best thing I can do is occupy my mind with something else. Peeta picks up on my hesitation and quickly suggests something else.

-“Tell you what, let’s go downstairs and have a cup of hot chocolate. I ordered it for you; I know how much you like that stuff. Sound good?”

-“Sounds perfect to me. Let’s go.”

He hops out of bed and takes my hand and together we head downstairs. While he makes the hot chocolate I head over to the living room couch. The reassuring sounds coming from the kitchen help ease my mind a bit. Looking at the table in the middle of the room, something catches my eye. As I come closer, I come across the pages I wrote about Cinna. As I read them, I can feel Cinna right beside me. I realize that this is the best way I can keep everyone alive. As long as I keep their memory alive, they’ll always be here with me. Instead of filling me with sadness, I’m filled with happiness. With a sense of joy that lets me know things are going to be ok. Peeta then comes carrying two cups filled with hot chocolate. It smells delicious and soon enough my mouth is watering. Peeta was right; this was exactly what I needed. When he sits next to me, he notices I’m holding the sheets of paper. Puzzled, he asks me:

-“Hey, what’s that?”

-“It’s something I wrote about Cinna, Dr. Aurelius thought it will help me heal.”

-“May I?” He is waiting for my approval. Always a gentleman.

-“Here. Read them.”

As Peeta reads everything I remember about Cinna, I can see a range of emotions cross through his face. I see recognition, an occasional smile, towards the end; I see a face of sorrow. Peeta must know Cinna gave his life trying to protect us too. 

-“Has is it help you? Writing this stuff down?”

As I consider my response, I come to the conclusion that yes, in fact, this has helped me quite a lot.

-“It has. After I wrote it, I felt less scared. I don’t want to forget him you know. He was there for as long as he could possibly be. I owe him that. I can’t simply forget him. I figured this is the best way to keep his memory alive.”

-“You are right. Mind if I try something real quick?”

-“Not at all. What are you thinking?

He doesn’t respond me, but instead he takes a few of the white pages and slowly but surely starts painting small strokes in it. I’m mesmerized by the look of concentration he has when he is painting. I see how, with each stroke, Cinna comes to life. Peeta has been able to capture everything he was. From his short cropped hair to his metallic gold eyeliner. I can almost hear him telling me gently to smile for the cameras.

-“Peeta this is incredible.”

-“I don’t want to forget him either Katniss. I remember him this way. I like to think this is the way you remember him too.”

-“I do. Hold on, I have an idea.”

I quickly stand up and look for my family’s plant book. I head back to the couch and carefully add Cinna’s pages into it. Now that I think about it. This is the best way to keep everyone alive. So many loved ones lost, it will be a injustice that they are forgotten with time.

-“Peeta, I don’t want to forget. I want to keep everyone’s memory alive.”

-“Let’s start then. Who should we do next?” I can sense some eagerness in his voice. 

-“I think we should start with something small. Should we do Madge?”

-“Sure that sounds good.”

I carefully print everything I remember about her. I remember coming to give me the pin that gave me my name. Walking through the snow to deliver medicines for Gale. I don’t want for her kindness to be forgotten. She had a rare quality, one that’s not found in people anymore. She genuinely cared about everyone. Sure enough, Peeta’s drawing makes her justice. Peeta truly is a remarkable artist. We carefully add her pages to the book.

-“I think we should stop Katniss. I don’t want to mess up all the progress we’ve made. We can always work on this, little by little.”

I think of the time when I’m going to write about Prim. I’m definitely not ready. Peeta is right. We should take this one step at a time. Thinking closely, this is the first time I’ve visited the past and able to come back in one piece. This is what Dr. Aurelius would call, “making process”. 

Peeta points out to the window.

-“Hey, look at that. It’s already morning.”

I smile at him. –“In that case, good morning.”

-“Good morning Katniss. What do you want to do today?” He smiles back.

-“Would you mind if I go hunting today? I think I’m ready to head over there on my own. Is that ok?” I could really use the time alone, give some time for all my feelings to settle down.

-“Not at all Katniss. I wanted to bake today. I think we are running low on bread anyway. Might even check on Haymitch later. Will I see you later?”

-“Sure, I’ll be back here in the afternoon.”

-“Dinner tonight then?”

-“You bet on it.” I tell him.

He waits for me downstairs as I head back to my room to change. When I come back, we head to the door hand in hand. 

-“Please be careful out there in the woods.”

-“I’ll be fine. Don’t worry.”

-“If you need anything, you know where to find me ok?” He means it.

-“Ok Peeta.”

He grabs my face in his hands and he kisses me. That feeling in my chest doesn’t seem to fade away. It gets stronger with every kiss we share. He breaks away not before I steal one small quick kiss. 

-“I’ll see you soon.” He starts walking back to his house.

I’m actually looking forward to it. I miss him already.


	10. Chapter 10

After saying my goodbyes to Peeta, I quickly head over to the Woods, excited by the prospect of bringing fresh game for dinner tonight. My physical condition is still not the best, so the long walk into the woods tires me a bit. Instantly, my hunter mode is activated and I’m quickly aware of my surroundings. I pay close attention to all sounds, to every movement out here in the woods. Shortly after, my patience is rewarded in the form of two squirrels and a wild turkey. I see the squirrels, perfectly skewered in the eye. I remember Peeta praising me on this on our first games. Out here in the woods, I allow myself for the first time to think about everything that it’s happening between Peeta and me. I can see the both of us getting better, there’s no question about it. Haymitch was right, we need each other. That’s something that scares me. Not that I need him, but that I want him close. All my life I always tried to eliminate “wanting” out of my vocabulary. I always lived a life were I seldom got what I wanted. All my existence was always driven by necessities, my families and my own. Now I find myself in a situation when I want something and its right there? I have a hard time believing a life with Peeta is going to be easy. I’m still a mess and he still has problems on his own. I’m also scared I can’t give Peeta everything he deserves. I’m scared that one day he will want more than the little I can offer him. Who would’ve known Haymitch was right about the both of us. No matter what, Peeta will always be someone I don’t deserve. So how do you tell someone you are not good enough for them without hurting yourself in the process?

I’m ion sad by my sudden conclusion, and decide I might as well put an end to all of this. Before I hurt Peeta any further. The walk back home took twice as long as it did this morning; I feel my energy seeping out of me with every step I take. My stomach contracts by the thought of what I’m about to do. I suddenly have a hard time breathing. As I make my way to Victor’s Village, my mind is a huge mumble, I’m trying to figure out how to break this out to Peeta. When I finally reach my house, I find Peeta outside, tending to the primrose bushes he planted when he came back from the Capitol. When he spots me, he smiles but doesn’t make any attempt to approach me, he must know I want my space. I’m always amazed by his chivalry, the way he never pushes me. Instead, he makes small talk.

-“Hey there. Had a good day hunting?”

-“Yeah, it was good enough.” If he only knew.

-“Hey, is something wrong? You seemed a little bit out of it.”

I don’t answer his question.

-“Can we talk about something?” I’m twisting my hands nervously.

-“Sure, just let me finish taking care of the garden.”

I take a sit by the front door steps and stay completely quiet while he takes care of the garden. That’s when I saw it, the first dandelion of the spring. It’s like we are 11 years old again. I remember that moment perfectly, that’s the day I knew I will always associate Peeta Mellark with hope. I look up from the dandelion and realize that has never changed. Peeta still means hope. I suddenly see everything clearly. It’s something that’s always been right in front of me, I just never came to terms about it. That what I need to survive is not Gale’s fire, kindled with rage and hatred. I have plenty of fire myself. What I need is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. The promise that life can go on, no matter how bad our losses. That it can be good again. And only Peeta can give me that. Somewhere along the way I fell in love with him. I’ll never know exactly when it happened. Not that it matters, what’s important that he is here, with me. He is mine the same way I’ve always been his. This sudden conclusion makes my chest swell with so many emotions. Never, in my life, I’ve felt this way. I’m still reeling about my conclusion that I don’t notice Peeta taking a seat next to me. He has to lightly shake me to snap me out of it.

-“Hey, what did you wanted to talk about?”

-“See that dandelion over there, by the tall grass?” I point out to the dandelion.

-“Yeah why?”

-“People have always seen them as ordinary plants, nothing pretty to look at. But not me.”

-“Why is that?”

-“They have a special meaning to me. To me they mean hope.”

-“Is that so?”

-“Yes. They have a connection to you.”

-“What do you mean?”

-“You also mean hope to me.”

I can see my words have a profound effect on Peeta. He is out of words, is not often Peeta is rendered speechless.

-“How much do you remember from the Quarter Quell?”

-“A lot of memories are shiny. Why?”

-“Ask me anything, I want to make things a bit clearer.”

-“Alright.” I can see he is scared about this, who knows, I could trigger an episode. “I gave you a locket. Real or not real?”

-“Real.”

-“You destroyed the force field. Real or not real?”

-“Real.”

-“You said…never mind, is not important.” I can tell he is uncomfortable asking me this.

-“Peeta, you can ask me anything.”

-“I don’t want to bother you with false memories.”

-“Go ahead. Try me.” I smile.

-“You said you needed me. Real or not real?”

-“Real.” 

I can see Peeta consider my response. I can see him struggle with all the shiny memories trying to win his attention.

-“Today I realized that Peeta. Just how much I need you. That scares me. I don’t mind being needed by someone else, but for me is something entirely new.”

-“You know, Haymitch once told me we both needed each other. I always knew I did, but I never thought you would.”

-“Haymitch is right about a lot of things. Don’t tell him I said that.” I cringe at the thought of Haymitch knowing I’ve acknowledged him in any way.

-“Why does it scare you? Needing me I mean.”

-“I don’t want to hurt you. I’m afraid I can’t give you everything you will ever want or deserve Peeta.”

He sighs heavily. –“Katniss, we’ve been through this before. I’m happy just to have you next to me. There’s only one thing I’ve always wanted and that’s you. I’m content with whatever you want. I guess it goes out without saying that I love you. I always have and always will. Maybe one day I’ll be lucky enough to earn your love too.” 

There’s an unmistakable sadness in his voice, maybe he believes I’ll never be able to love him as much as he does me. Little does he know how wrong he is.

-“Maybe you are not that far away you know.” I blush a deep red.

He smiles and wraps his arms around me. I can truly feel him for the first time. His strong arms protecting me, his familiar scent and most importantly, the steady beat of his heart. Never in a million years would I’ve imagined that I was going to be sitting in my front porch, in Peeta’s arms knowing that deep in my heart I’ve always loved him.

So after, when he whispers, “You love me. Real or not real?”

I tell him, “Real.”


	11. Chapter 11

Slowly but surely, Peeta and I have got better and better. Sure, I still have the occasional nightmare about mutts and lost children and Peeta sometimes has to clutch the back of a chair as he waits for the flashes to pass. We are both well aware that these are things we will have to struggle with all of our lives. We are not sad or disappointed about it, we both have each other. After coming into terms of my love for Peeta, things have been easier for the both of us. I no longer have to be fighting against my feelings, I force myself to feel. Dr. Aurelius told me that at the long run, this was going to help me a lot. As for Peeta, he is more confident about the both of us. I don’t see fear in his eyes anymore; he now knows that everything we’ve lived through is real. At first, he was insecure when I first told him I’ve loved him. I don’t blame him though. I know realize how hard it must have been for him right after our first games. I started to understand him that day they rescued him from The Capitol. They had tortured him to the point they made him forget he loved me. I remember how much that affected me. There’s not much we can do about the past anymore, the both of us are focused in surviving one day at a time. Is not as easy as it sounds, how can you think about the future when you are fighting to live the present?

Our memory book has proved to be an excellent form of therapy. It helps tremendously to put everything into words, makes it easier to deal with all the memories. Dr. Aurelius is excited about our progress. He keeps sending all the parchment paper we need. He also sends everything Peeta needs to draw too. Some of the biggest names have been tackled. Finnick’s entry was especially difficult to write. Even more so after we received a picture of his newborn son. The sadness over the fact that he’ll never get the chance to hold his son, made a huge impact on the both of us. We had a hard time getting better after that. I still haven’t been able to write Prim’s entry. I wonder if I’ll ever be ready. I just can’t bring myself to talk about her life nor the way she died. 

Other thing that has really helped us a lot is hunting and baking. I get to go to the woods freely now, and is one of the few place I truly feel free, there’s no pain in here, it’s here I can be Katniss again. Peeta’s has kept himself busy baking as much as he can. He bakes so much that there’s no way we would finish off everything he bakes. He has to use the ovens both in my house and in his. Most of it he gives it away, it helps him feel useful to the people of District 12. I was thinking of suggesting for him to open a new bakery. It would be a good way to help him distract and what better than with something he loves to do. District 12 is blooming anyway, why don’t give the people here a new bakery? I still don’t know how to approach him with the idea though, I’m afraid he’ll think I want him to stop using my ovens or something like that. 

Haymitch has been out of the picture lately. His drinking hasn’t stopped. I know he has to deal with his own battles. On the good side, when the liquor does run out, he raises geese. Most of the time they drive me insane, but if it helps him, who am I to complain? Peeta and I are both aware that Haymitch will always be an important part of our lives. After all, he kept us alive not one but through two Hunger Games, not to mention all during the rebellion. We want him close, and we make an effort to include him. He is sometimes difficult, but most of the time complies, I know that deep down he cares about us and that he considers us family. Tonight he is supposed to come over for dinner, Peeta and I been wanting to talk to him about his contribution to the memory book. He was a mentor for 23 years; he must have lots of memories and stories to tell. I have the feeling he is going to give a hard time with it. Peeta is not excited at all to approach him with the idea; still, I believe these are stories that have to be told.

For dinner tonight, Peeta cooked quite a big meal. I spent a large deal of time in the woods to gather all the food we needed. As Peeta is putting the final touches to the food, I tell him:

-“Tonight should be interesting.”

-“Tell me about it. I really don’t know how he is going to react.” He sighs heavily.

-“If we are lucky, he’ll be drunk.” I laugh. Peeta joins me.

-“Well, I guess we just have be optimistic and hope for the best.” There’s a loud knock in the door, take it to Haymitch to make a huge scene. Peeta starts toward the door, but I stop him.

-“That’s ok. I’ll get it.”

I open the door and sure enough, there he is, in all his drunken glory, my former mentor. I should be angry that he couldn’t sober enough for dinner tonight, but his drinking, like I said, doesn’t bother me so much anymore. There’s a scowl in his face, or is it a smile? I can’t really tell with Haymitch. He takes a good long look at me before he speaks.

-“Well look at you sweetheart. You look better than last time I saw you.” There it is, his first snide comment of the evening.

-“I wish I could say the same about you Haymitch, when was the last time you took a bath?”

-“Good question sweetheart, why don’t you tell me your closest guess?”

I can see how this dinner is going to turn out. Haymitch and I will just go at it all night. Poor Peeta. Speaking of Peeta, he approaches the door, wondering what was taking so long. When he gets to the door, he wraps an arm lightly around me.

-“Hey Haymitch, how have you been?”

I can see the wave of confusion crossing Haymitch face when Peeta wrapped his arm around me. He doesn’t make an effort to conceal it. I can see some relief in his face. I’m pretty sure I saw quick smile cross his lips.

-“Look at you two love birds. You two have been more secretive than I thought.”

It’s Peeta who answers his comment. –“Don’t push it Haymitch, we haven’t had dinner yet.”

“Where is it anyway? C’mon I’m starving”

-“Everything is ready Haymitch, if you would stop it with the remarks we could already be eating.” I snap at him.

-“You don’t scare me girl, remember that.”

-“We’ll see. We’ll see.”

Even with all the snide comments and whatnot, is good to see Haymitch again. I consider him family and he understand me in ways few people can. Peeta decides to interject.

-“Please Haymitch, come in. Everything is already on the table.” I don’t know how Peeta does it, always being so kind to everyone.

As we settle to eat our dinner, I see Haymitch pull yet another flask from his pocket. I wonder how he hasn’t poisoned himself to death. The food of course is delicious. I can see the rejuvenating effect a home cooked meal is having on Haymitch. He seems content and even asks for seconds and thirds. When he finally pushes his plate away, he speaks for the first time.

-“Alright. Let’s get to it. Why did you two invite me over for dinner tonight?”

“Haymitch, you are the closest thing we have to family now. That’s all there is to it.” Peeta says quietly.

Haymitch stays quiet for a long time as he considers his response. When he speaks he says:

-“Thank you. For dinner.” He says with a sincere voice.

-“You are more than welcome Haymitch.” Peeta tells him simply. “I also made dessert. C’mon lets go to the living room.”

Peeta sets out plates with a delicious cake that he decorated himself. As we are enjoying our dessert, I can see Haymitch eyeing our memory book. 

-“What’s that?” He points to the memory book.

-“It’s a form of therapy. Do you want to see it?” I say.

-“Sure. Let me have it.” He extends his hand and I give it to him.

Peeta and I stay real quiet as Haymitch pages through our memory book. He doesn’t react in any way and I have the sinking feeling our request is going to be shut out by him in a heartbeat. When he is done, he closes the book quietly and carefully sets it in the table. I can see the sobering effect the book had in him, he looks different and his bloodshot eyes are not as pronounced as before. 

-“Has it helped? Do you see yourselves getting better?” He asks carefully.

-“It does Haymitch, can’t you see how better Katniss and I are?” Peeta grabs my hand.

-“Look Haymitch, the other reason we wanted you to come over is to see if you wanted to share some of the stories of the tributes you coached before us

-“See, I knew there was more to this than just dinner. I don’t know, I don’t want to talk about the past any more than you do.”

Peeta speaks before I have a chance to. –“We understand that Haymitch, but it’s the only way we can move on. It’s not fair that all those lives of the tributes you were forced to mentor are forgotten. Don’t do it for you only, do it for them too. Have some proper closure Haymitch.”

-“What do you think Haymitch?” I brace myself for the final and definite no from him.

Instead, he just stays quiet. I know he is battling between what to do. He finally speaks in a thousand year old voice.

-“Alright. I’ll be right back.” He stands and leaves the house to head towards his.

-“Well that was easier than I thought.” Peeta says.

-“I wouldn’t bet on it. The hardest part is yet to come. He still has to revisit 23 years of lost tributes.” I can’t imagine how it must be like.

-“You are right.” He scoots closer and holds me close. “By the way, I haven’t had a chance to ask about your day. How was it?”

-“Good. I was worried mostly about talking to Haymitch. Yours?”

-“Well I think I’ve ruined the oven in my house. I had a hard time trying to finish today’s batch.”

-“Hey, now that you mention it, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about?”

-“What is it about?”

Before I have a chance to answer him, Haymitch stumbles back to the house carrying a large box. Peeta stands up to give him a hand but Haymitch simply waves him off.

-“I’m not looking forward to this, so lets get it over with.”

For almost 7 hours Haymitch retells stories and anecdotes of the 23 years he was forced to mentor. He says that every year his drinking got worse and worse. He believes it was his incompetent hands that made those 46 tributes lose their lives. The guilty tone in his voice never leaves and he wonders if he could’ve done more to save those children. Tons of pages are filled with Haymitch memories and he even offers pictures of all the tributes he coached through the years.

-“I get what you two said earlier. About not forgetting. I haven’t. That’s why I keep this box, this box is the only reminder they were once alive.”

-“Thank you Haymitch. Really.” Peeta tells him. 

-“On the contrary, thank you both. At end, you saved me too.”

I’m genuinely curious now. –“In what way?”

-“After your first games, the two made it out alive. Those made me feel like I wasn’t useless anymore. I wanted to believe I played out a big part in saving your lives.”

-“Haymitch, you did. Your help meant the difference between life and death.” Peeta interjects.

Haymitch sad smile only lasts a second before he announces he is ready to go.

-“I should probably get going, is late already.” 

We walk him to the door and before he can say his goodbyes, he asks me.

-“Sweetheart, would you mind walking me home?”

After everything he has shared tonight, it’s the least I can do, so I comply. He thanks Peeta again for dinner and we quietly start walking to his house. I know what he is thinking, so I decide I might as well talk first.

-“Just say it Haymitch. I know you are dying to say it.”

-“What are you talking about sweetheart, I haven’t said anything.”

-“Oh please, you want me to say you were right? That Peeta and I need each other? Fine go ahead, just say you were right.”

-“I don’t understand why you are so hostile all the time. Relax, have a drink. I was just going to say I’m happy for the both of you. Heck, you might actually deserve him this time around. I mean, you could do a lot worse.”

I stay quiet and the blush in my cheeks can only be burning with shame. Haymitch wants the best for us. At the end of the day, he still is looking out for us. Before I can stop myself, I hug Haymitch, and he knows that this simply gesture tells all the things I can’t say out loud. We understand each other without the need of words. I turn around quickly, before he can say some sarcastic comment about me.

“Take care Haymitch. I’ll see you real soon.” I say without turning back.

-“If you ever want a drink, I have plenty here sweetheart.”

I smile to myself and head back to my house. I find Peeta cleaning the kitchen; I decide to give him a hand. Before we know it, we are done. I lean by the wall, waiting for Peeta to finish something in the kitchen, thinking of the good day we had today. We got Haymitch to open up, that ought to count for something. Peeta is finally done and makes his way to me. He wraps his arms around me and buries his face in my neck. Warmth radiates from the spot where his lips just touch my neck, slowly spreading through the rest of. I know I won’t be the first one to let go. Why should I? Peeta belongs to me, the same way I belong to him. He plants a kiss on my lips and holds me close.

-“Hey, what did you wanted to talk about?”

I don’t really want to ruin the good day we had. Peeta picks up on my hesitation and tells me:

“Katniss, you can tell me everything. What is it?”

-“I don’t want to make you upset.” I’m biting my lips, stalling.

-“Well, how can I be upset if you don’t tell me what’s wrong?”

-“I was thinking you should open the bakery again.”

-“Oh that. Why didn’t you say that before?”

-“I don’t know. I didn’t want you to think I was pushing you away. Or that I didn’t want you around anymore.”

He laughs freely and I’m puzzled by his response. –“Katniss, I was also thinking of reopening the bakery too. I just didn’t know how to tell you.”

-“Why?”

-“I thought you might think I was choosing the bakery over you. Or that you would though I might leave.”

We laugh quietly. Thinking about our absurd fears.

-“Well it seems we both got it wrong Katniss. I’m not going anywhere.”

-“And I want you around Peeta.”

He kisses me again, but this kiss is different. It’s passionate and it holds the promise that the future is looking bright for the both of us. When we finally break apart, we are both gasping for air. 

-“Why don’t we go to sleep? It’s been a long day. We can talk more about this bakery thing in the morning.”

-“Ok then. I’m tired anyway.”

We head upstairs to my room and soon Peeta has zoned out. I stay up for a little while; I like to feel his protective arm around me and his steady breathing beside me. It helps me not to take more days for granted. For the first time, the future is looking brighter than ever. A big part I owe it to Peeta. He never gave up on us and despite everything, he came back to me.

I snuggle closer to him, excited about the prospect of a new day next to him.


	12. Chapter 12

In the past two years, life has truly been a rollercoaster for Peeta and me. Just like everyone else, we’ve had our fair share of struggles. Some are easier than others but we have each other and that will always be more than enough. I still have blackouts were I completely shut out the world. Peeta still struggles with episodes and will occasionally ask about memories he isn’t sure about. Some will seem sad about what we have to go through on a daily basis, but not us. Our memory book serves as a constant reminder of the promise we made to all our lost ones. To make their lives count, that they didn’t die for nothing.

I was finally able to write Prim’s entry and it was as difficult as I thought it would be. Even though time will never erase the pain of losing her, I see glimpses of Prim in the most unexpected places. I see her in the bushes outside my house, in the beauty that radiates from them. Just like Prim. I see her in the kindness of strangers, the ones that never ask for anything in return. But mostly, I see her in Peeta, in the love he has for me. The way he cares about me. I like to think that this is what she would’ve wanted for me. To love and be loved in return. I somehow know that wherever she is, she is smiling down on us. 

My relationship with Peeta has grown stronger over the years. I need him the same way he needs me. It’s easier to admit this now. We’ve become a team and somewhere along the way, he also became my best friend. I trust him more than anything and I know I can talk to him about everything without the fear of being judged. I’m amazed as to how far we’ve come in the past 2 years. After further discussing the matter, we decided that it was a good idea to reopen the bakery. It gave Peeta something to busy himself with and help him feel normal again. It was also a good chance to help with the rebuild of District 12 and to offer jobs to those that came back. The whole project took about 8 months to put together and it was the happiest I’ve ever seen Peeta. The bakery is homage to the old bakery, the patrimony his parents had built, and the place where Peeta discovered what he loved to do. Still, the bakery also has its own identity, something distinctive of Peeta. The progress Peeta made after the opening was incredible. I still hunt and trade in a place similar to The Hob. On the really good days, I can’t help to feel like the old Katniss again. 

\-----------------------o----------------------

One day I was at the bakery, waiting for Peeta to close when this excited couple about our age rushed in asking for Peeta.

-“He is in the back. Should I go get him?”

-“That would be great, we would really appreciate it.” A lovely looking girl similar my age answers politely.

-“Sure, I’ll be right back.”

I go to the back of the bakery and tell him someone is looking for him. He stops what he is doing and is still dusting flour off him when he reaches the front counter of the bakery.

-“Hi there. What can I do for you?” He asks in his unmistakable kind voice.

-“We were hoping we could order a cake from you.” Answers the girl.

-“You sure can. What’s the occasion?”

-“Well, we just got engaged and we would like the cake for our wedding.” It’s the man who answers this time.

-“Wow. In that case, congratulations are in order.”

The boy is practically beaming; the excitement in his eyes is hard to miss. –“Thank you.”

-“So tell me, what kind of wedding cake are you thinking of?”

-“We were thinking of something traditional, nothing too extravagant.” Says the girl smiling. 

-“Perfect then, when is the wedding?”

-“In 6 weeks from now.”

-“Alright then, it’s settled.” Peeta scribbles the date in the notepad he keeps for orders. 

-“Thanks for the help, we can’t wait.” They head to the door and Peeta slowly closes the door and sets the “Closed” sign.

Peeta heads back to finish what he was doing without a word to me. It almost seemed like I wasn’t even there. After 30 minutes or so, he comes back to tell me he is ready to go. On the walk back home he stays very silent, when he normally is telling me everything about his day. It seems like something is really bothering him. When we finally reach my house, he hangs his coat and tells me:

-“I think I’m skipping dinner tonight. There’s some freshly baked bread in the kitchen”

-“Are you ok? You never skip dinner.”

-“Yeah I’m ok. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He kisses me in the cheek and heads upstairs to sleep.

Now I’m confused, I don’t understand this sudden change in Peeta’s mood. He is never in a bad mood. I decide to only have some of the bread he baked this morning, my stomach contracts with nervousness over Peeta’s behavior. Could it be the prelude to a big episode? I try to occupy my mind with menial tasks around the kitchen to ease some of my nervousness. When I run out of things to clean, I decide I might as well go to bed and sleep off the sinking feeling in my stomach. I curl up next to Peeta but his arms are not there to embrace me. Even though Peeta is right next to me, he feels like a thousand miles away. 

About 3 hours later, I feel Peeta getting up from the bed. He tries to be sneaky about it but with that leg he will always make noise. He shuts the door quietly behind him. I thought that he was only getting something to drink but he still isn’t back after 20 minutes. There’s no way I’ll be able to go back to sleep so I decide I might as well go look for him. I head downstairs and he is nowhere to be found. I notice my front door open, and I find him sitting quietly in the porch steps. The very place where I said I loved him for the first time.

-“Peeta what’s wrong?” I take a sit next to him.

-“Just a lot on my mind that’s all.”

-“You’ve been acting weird ever since that couple came ordering that cake. Does it have to do with them?”

-“Yes it does.” He offers no further explanation.

-“What about them?”

-“They have something I might never have.”

-“What? Cake?” I say trying to lighten the mood.

-“No. Marriage.”

That sole word stops me on me tracks. Never in a million years I would’ve imagined it was marriage the thing bothering Peeta. I stay quiet for a long time. It’s Peeta who finally breaks the silence.

-“I sometimes wonder if that’s a possibility for us in the future.”

-“That was something I never promised you Peeta. I don’t know if I’ll ever can.”

-“Yeah I know.”

The words stumble before I can stop them. –“Isn’t this enough for you Peeta? 

-“You don’t see it right? There’s nothing I want more in this world than to call you my wife. To me is the biggest way I can tell you just how much I love you.”

\- Why messing up everything we’ve accomplished in the past two years?” The anger in my voice is rising.

-“Yeah you are right. Just forget I mentioned it. I didn’t want to make you upset.” The sadness in his voice is crystal clear. He stands up and offers me his hand. “Sorry if I woke you up. Should we go back to sleep?”

-“Yeah, that’s fine.”

We head back to my room and not long before he is sound sleep. I stay up for a long time, thinking of our conversation. I remember my fears of not being able to give Peeta everything he deserves. Tonight was a perfect proof of that. I don’t think I’ll ever marry him. For starters, that was never in my plans. I remember my mother, the way she almost stopped living when my father died. Marrying Peeta is opening myself to that kind of pain. I can’t afford that. I’m still wide awake when Peeta wakes up to head over to the bakery. He normally kisses me goodbye but not today, he just leaves without a word. I know I must have hurt him with my words. Still, I can’t take them back.

I normally head to the woods in the morning, but today I don’t have the energy to go. Instead, I sit in the same steps where we had our talk. My mind keeps replaying our conversation. Every time I do, my words sound harsher and harsher. I’m so absorbed in my thoughts I don’t notice Haymitch calling my name. He is making his way towards me.

-“What’s wrong with you? You look awful.”

-“Please Haymitch not today.” I answer him tiredly.

-“Are you having problems with lover boy?”

-“He said he wanted to marry me.”

Haymitch lets go a long whistle. –“And what did you tell him?”

-“That it was something I could never give him.”

-“I will always be amazed by your stupidity sweetheart. You are a fool or not wanting to marry that boy.”

Anger rises inside me. –“You don’t understand Haymitch. I’ll never be able to afford that type of love, the one that leads to marriage and perhaps even a family.”

-“That’s not true Katniss and you know it. There’s something special about you and is that when you love, you love forever.”

-“I don’t know if that’s enough Haymitch.”

-“It is. You gave a big part of your life trying to give everyone a better life. Even though you don’t believe it, give yourself a chance Katniss, be happy.”

I let Haymitch’s words sink in on me. Is it possible that the reason I don’t want to marry Peeta is my fear of thinking I don’t deserve him?

-“That boy loves you more than anything Katniss. Make him happy too. How bad can marriage be?”

He is right, how bad can it be? Peeta was right, there’s no bigger way to say I love you than that. A lifetime commitment to him, so he can have no doubts of my love towards him.

-“Thank you Haymitch.” I don’t know he does it; he always has a way to make sense of things. 

-“Anytime sweetheart. I got to go; I can’t find those damn geese anywhere.” He smiles and leaves. 

I quickly head back into my house looking for a piece of paper. I scribble my message and leave it were Peeta can find it. I grab my bow and quickly head over to the woods, I can still make this day productive. I stay in the woods long past my usual returning time. The time in the woods gave me a chance to think about Haymitch told me. When I’m reaching my house, I spot Peeta sitting in the front door steps, he must be waiting for me. When he notices me, he quickly stands up and wraps me in a big hug. We stay like that for a long time, I’ve missed him.

-“Are you ok? I was worried about you.”

-“Yeah I’m fine, I just lost track of time I guess.” I set my bow and today’s catch on the floor.

-“I thought you might still be mad about our talk.”

-“It’s ok. Don’t worry about it.” I take a sit in the top step.

-“Can I ask you something?”

-“Sure.”

-“When I came home, I found this paper addressed to me. It only said the word “yes”; do you know who is it from?”

-“It’s from me.”

-“What does it mean?”

-“It means yes.”

-“Yes what?”

-“It means yes. I want to marry you Peeta.”

Peeta stays quiet for a very long time. When he is able to speak he tells me:

-“You want to marry me. Real or not real?”

-“Real.”

He stands up so suddenly and wraps his arms around me and simply holds me close.

-“What changed your mind?”

-“You.”

-“Are you sure about this? Don’t do it for me Katniss, I don’t want to push you to do things you don’t want to do.”

-“I’m scared Peeta. Terrified. But you were right, there’s no bigger commitment than this.”

-“I love you Katniss.” A single tear escapes his blue eyes. I catch it and quickly wipe it away.

-“And I love you Peeta.” 

He kisses me with a passion we’ve never shared before. I can feel all his love for me in that kiss and deep in my heart I know I’ve made the right decision. This time our marriage is something real, not a show for the audiences. When we finally break apart, Peeta is beaming with pride, like he can’t wait to tell everyone. I’ve never seen him this happy, not even the day he reopened the bakery.

-“Do you want to see your ring?”

-“You have a ring?”

-“I’ve carried a ring ever since you first told me you loved me. I always hold on to the hope that one day I could call you my wife.” He digs in the front pocket of his pants, where he produces a golden band. “I thought you might like this better, something simple and beautiful.”

I take the ring and see that he has inscribed the word “always” in it. It’s his way of telling me he has never stopped loving me and never will.

-“Would you put it on?”

-“I would love that.” 

He slips the ring in my finger, where I know it will stay forever.


	13. Chapter 13

Never in a million years, would I’ve thought of having a final fitting for my wedding dress. Marriage was never in my plans; I always had this fear of opening myself to someone and to make the biggest commitment of my life. They say life always takes the most unexpected turns; I can’t help to think how true this is. The most unexpected turn of them all? Peeta. He not only loved me when I didn’t love him in return, but loved me even when they made him forget he did. There’s not a single day now that I don’t think of the deepness of his love, despite everything we’ve been through, we are here, mere days from our wedding. He once promised me “Always”, and that will never change. I can’t wait to have a long, fulfilling life with him. He out of all people deserves it out the most.

The days after our engagement, Peeta still couldn’t take the smile off his face. He couldn’t wait to tell everyone. The first person we told was Haymitch and I could see the happiness in his face.

-“Well, it was about damn time for you two to get married.” Was his first comment of course.

-“We would really want you to be there Haymitch, you are our family.” Peeta says with unmistakable pride in his voice.

-“Are you going to have drinks?”

-“Whatever makes you happy Haymitch.” I snap back.

“Relax sweetheart. There’s no way I would miss it. Believe it or not, I’ve always been rooting for the both of you.” The sincere tone in his voice softens me towards my often mentor. Is easy to forget just how much he cares about us with all the snarky comments.

-“Thank you Haymitch. For everything.” Is all I can say, he knows how much he means to me.

-“Anytime sweetheart. Never forget that you two.”

Telling my mother was an interesting experience, our relationship has always been strained and after she refused to come back to District 12, our relationship has slowly but surely drifted apart. I don’t hold any grudges; my mother did what she had to do to heal. I can’t hold her responsible for that. I was surprised by her reaction, she was so happy for the both us. Maybe she was happier by the fact that I was no longer an “insane” person. She agreed to make the painful journey to be with me on my wedding day. She is scheduled to arrive 2 days before my wedding and to depart 1 day after. I think that’s as much as she can handle. I’m grateful nonetheless.

Peeta and I agreed that we wanted our wedding to be a simple affair. After years in the spotlight, we wanted something small, something to make it truly special for the both of us. We want to remember this day for the rest of our lives. We decided not to have lots of people for our wedding, just the ones that have truly been there for us. The small guest list consisted of Haymitch, my mother, Greasy Sae, her granddaughter, Johanna, Annie and her new born son, Beetee, Effie and my prep team. They are our family now; we want to share this day with them. I considered inviting Gale, but the wounds are still fresh and I wanted to make this day about Peeta, I didn’t want to give him any chance for him to doubt my commitment to him.

For our wedding, we decided to do something different. We will first celebrate a civil ceremony in the newly built Justice Building. It will be here where we will be married by law. It will be witnessed by all our guests. For our toasting ceremony, we asked our guests to please respect our desire to do this alone, at my house, where we will live after we are married. Afterwards, we want to have a reception in Peeta’s home, with food and drinks, in the company of our guests. Everyone seemed happy to comply, so all is good. Is just a matter of waiting for our wedding day, were I’ll bind myself to Peeta forever.

\----------------------------------o-----------------------------

On the day of my wedding, I wake up with this huge knot in my stomach. I feel nauseated and with a sure panic attack heading on its way. I wake up so suddenly, I startled Peeta too.

-“Hey are you ok? Were you having a nightmare?”

-“I’m fine. Just feeling a little sick that’s all.”

-“Are you sure? I can go get you some medicine if you want.”

These are the types of things that keep make me fall in love with Peeta again and again. His care for me, the way he lets me know I’m the most important thing in his world. The pain in my stomach suddenly vanishes and I snuggle closer to him. We stay like that for a long time, just enjoying the feeling of each other.

-“I can’t believe that after today you’ll be my wife.”

-“And you’ll be my husband.” He smiles at what will soon be his new title. He kisses my forehead and sighs heavily.

-“I think we should get up. There are lots of things yet to be done.”

-“You are right.”I grudgingly get up and Peeta is quick to follow.

We change into simple clothes and before he leaves Peeta holds my face in his hands and gives me quick kiss.

-“I love you. I wanted to say it one last time before becoming my wife.”

-“I love you.” I stroke his face.

-“I’ll see you soon then?”

-“Yes, sooner than you think.” He laughs and gives me one last kiss before heading out the door.

About 30 minutes later, there they are, my prep team, is fretting over the poor state of my eyebrows. I can’t help to smile; my prep team always has a way to make things amusing. I wanted a simple yet radiant look for my wedding. I thought Peeta might like it better that way. My wedding dress is a simple white one Cinna had made a long time ago. I wanted him to be there, in any way that he could. I wanted to have a piece of everyone I lost on my wedding day. My flower bouquet is made of the primroses outside my house, that way I can have a piece of my sister with me. Even my father is here today, I can see him in my mother, in the happiness that reflects off her eyes.

After putting the final touches in my makeup and dress I can see that my former prep team has honored my wishes. I feel beautiful, and like myself. I hear a soft knock on the door and see my mother make her towards me; my prep team has quietly slipped off the room.

-“You look beautiful Katniss.”

-“Thanks.”

-“I’m so proud of you Katniss. I wanted you to know that.” She hugs me, I can sense her tears.

-“Don’t cry; today is not a day for crying.” I hug her back.

-“You are right. Are you ready to go?” -“Yes I’m. Let’s go. “

The Justice Building is a short walk from Victors Village and together with my prep team and mother we head over there. The closer I get to the Justice Building, the more panic I feel. I push forward knowing I will never would’ve done this if I wasn’t so sure about my love for Peeta. When we finally reach the Justice Building, there he is, looking handsome in a white button up shirt and a blue blazer. He takes a look at me and smiles his breathtaking smile. He offers me his hand.

-“You look beautiful.”

-“You too.” I fidget nervously.

-“Are you ready? Everything is ready to go.”

-“Alright let’s do this.”

We enter a brightly lit room and there they are, my family and friends. There’s only a table in the middle of the room, where a polite looking lady standing in anticipation. Hand in hand we walk in front of the table. When our guests are all settled around the room, the lady clears her throat.

-“First of all, congratulations to the two of you. To get the marriage certificate the only thing you have to do is sign a few forms and that’s it. So if you could please sign here and here.” She points out to where we have to sign.

We sign the forms and she announces we are now legally married. She congratulates us once again and hurriedly leaves the room. We are soon surrounded by congratulations and hugs from our friends and family. I never let go of Peeta’s hand, to me it now means home. Even though we are now legally married, it doesn’t seem real. The ceremony in the Justice Building seems too simple, nothing special. I want to make this unforgettable. We decide to all head back to Victors Village so Peeta and I can have our own toasting ceremony. Once we finally reach my house in Victors Village, our guests sing a traditional song as Peeta and I cross the threshold of what will be our home. After we quietly closing the door behind us, our guests file back to Peeta’s home were the reception will take place.

Once inside, there’s a nervousness emanating from the both of us. It's so difficult to describe, I don’t think I’ll ever can. Peeta holds me close and whispers his first words as my husband.

-“May I kiss my bride?”

-“Yes you may.”

He kisses me tenderly, adoringly, the way a husband should always kiss his wife.I can feel his love for me more powerful than ever and now my fears seem absurd. There will never be a man like Peeta, he is one of a kind. Now I can truly call him mine. When we finally break apart, he rests his forehead in mine and we stay like that for a long time. There’s no rush now, we have our entire lives ahead of us. When he finally breaks the silence, he says:

-“Should we start the toasting?”

-“Before we do that, I wanted to give you something?”

-“What is it?” He asks curiously.

We head over to the dinner table, were I purposely left my present to Peeta this morning. I hand him an ordinary white envelope with his name on it.

-“What is this?”

-“Just read it.”

In this envelope, there’s a letter for him. In this letter is where I’ve sealed my heart and I’m finally giving it to him.

_Peeta,_

_In here are the words I can’t speak out loud, not because I don’t feel them but because I’ve never been good at speaking my thoughts out. I wanted you to know just how much I love you. If there’s someone that deserves everything good this world has to offer, it’s you. I don’t think I’ll ever be good enough to deserve you. I hope this lifetime is enough to make it up to you, to be a woman you deserve and be proud to call your wife. I wanted to thank you, for loving me when I was unlovable. For loving me in the times when I didn’t know myself just how much I loved you. But most importantly, thank you for loving me always. You came back to me despite all odds; with a love I never thought it was possible. I’ve made lots of mistakes along the way, but if there’s something I did right, it was you. I’m sorry for all the times I’ve hurt you, I’ll never stop trying to make it up to you. Life gave me a second chance, and it also gave me you. I hope you never doubt my love for you. I hope I can give you everything you deserve. Don’t forget, my heart is now yours, take care of it. I’ll always take care of yours. I can’t wait to fall in love with you all over again every day for the rest of our lives._

_I love you. More than you’ll ever know._

_Your wife,_

_Katniss_

I take a look at Peeta’s tear streaked face and I know every emotion I wanted to convey in my letter came through. Peeta carefully tucks the letter back in the envelope and sets it back in the table. He holds me close and whispers my favorite words ever.

-“I love you.”

There’s no more need for words so I stay close to the man that is now my husband.

-“I can’t wait any longer, should we do the toasting?” He asks expectantly.

-“Sure.”

We head over to the chimney and together we make our first fire as husband and wife. Peeta grabs the bread and we toast it. We take our turns sharing the bread. It’s this simple act that makes me feel more tied to Peeta than any piece of paper ever will. He kisses me again, a kiss so sweet and full of promise, I feel like crying. He breaks away and simply says:

-“Shall we dance? Just you and me. No cameras, no audience.”

-“I would love that.”

Peeta heads to a small jukebox that came with the house and plays a soft, dreamlike song. He comes back to me and we sway to the rhythm of the music. Not once he lets go of me, and I’m happy to stay like this forever. When the song is over, he smiles at me and says:

-“Should we go celebrate?”

-“Haymitch is probably drunk by now.”

He laughs. –“I’ll be disappointed if that wasn’t the case.”

Hand in hand, we head over to his house where our guests are expectantly waiting for us. Once again we are surrounded by congratulations and shows of affection. To no one’s surprise, Haymitch is dead drunk but he comes close and gives me a hug.

-“You did good sweetheart. I’m very proud.”

He lets go and heads away looking for more drinks. The reception was great, a huge success. The food was great and our cake was beautiful, one of Peeta’s masterpieces. It was great sharing my happiness with those I love and care about. Even though Prim’s void will never be filled, she was here with me today. So was my father, Cinna, Finnick, all of them. I know they are all smiling upon me, rooting me forward. I promised them to make my life worth living. I take a look at Peeta and I know he feels the same.

The future is looking pretty bright. 


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> About two years after their wedding. I just can't picture them that old, so this is written so you can imagine them in whichever age you want. Enjoy.

I remember a time when marriage was always out of the question, now I don’t understand my fear towards the whole idea of marriage. Sure enough, marriage has its struggles, just like everyone. Ours takes a little more effort, but the strength of our love is what keeps us moving forward. I can’t really complain about married life. Peeta is the best husband anyone could ever dream of. He is so caring, so patient and most importantly, so loving. There’s not a single day that he doesn’t let me know how much he loves me. I think that most of the time he doesn’t quite grasp the fact that we are together. I always try to remind him I’m here, and that I’m not going anywhere. Is not always easy, showing my inner feelings has never been a strong of mine. Little by little though, I’ve come to learn how to love and how to show him, in the best way that I can, that I love him. Marriage has also been quite the learning experience, you have to learn how to live with someone else, but most importantly there’s compromise. At first, I had a hard time with that; it was difficult to reach an agreement. The good thing is that with Peeta’s infinite patience, I’ve come to learn about compromise. I’ve also come to learn about love and the healing power of it. Even though nightmares and flashbacks are a common recurrence, Peeta and I understand that we have each other and if we stay together, we can overcome everything.

Happiness is quite an abstract concept in our lives. I know deep down this is the happiest we could ever be considering the hell we’ve been through. However, I can’t help feeling that there’s something missing for the both of us. It’s a nagging feeling that’s been bothering me for quite a long time. I can’t bring myself to talk about it, not even to Peeta. I don’t want to make him feel bad or that he thinks I’m not happy. It’s such a difficult thing to describe.

One of the biggest struggles we’ve had in our marriage is our disagreement over having children. I hereby refuse to bring a child into this world. That’s the one thing I’ve always dreaded, the loss of my children to this cruel world. After everything I saw during the war, it only reinforced my idea to never have children. Peeta, on the other hand, has been difficult with the matter. He wants them so badly and I know it hurts him that I keep refusing every time he brings the subject up. Peeta is confident I’ll give in eventually, but unlike marriage, children are completely off the table.

\-----------------------------o------------------------

On those rare occasions I don’t head over to the woods, I like to go to the bakery to make Peeta some company. People in District 12 have been warm and welcoming towards me. One of my biggest fears was that my own people hated me. It turns out this isn’t the case; there’s a sense of admiration towards me I’ll never fully understand. Their attitude towards me makes it easier to forgive myself for the things I did and the ones I didn’t do.

I was absorbed putting some small details in our memory book when I heard the wailing of this small little girl. She had somehow made her way into the bakery and she seemed like she had lost her mother. That little girl had to be no older than 2 years old. I was momentarily frozen; I didn’t know what to do. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Peeta hurriedly making his way to the little girl. He reaches her and carefully scoops her in his arms.

-“Hey sweetie, are you lost?” He asks her in a singsong voice.

The little girl still refuses to stop crying. Everyone else seems uncomfortable, not knowing what to do, but not Peeta. He tries again.

-“Shhh, its ok. You are safe. We are going to find your mom ok?”

The girl suddenly stops crying and keeps looking at Peeta with eyes wide open. He smiles and tells her:

-“Are you hungry? Want a cookie?” Still in his arms, he takes her to a jar where he always keeps freshly baked cookies. He holds her in a way she can easily grab the cookie she wants. She takes a small bite and offers Peeta a shy smile.

He carefully sets her in the counter and tells her.

-“I’ll be right back, don’t move ok?”

She utters her first words. –“Ok.”

Peeta heads to the back part of the bakery and shortly after, returns with some regular cookies and some of the toppings he uses to decorate them.

-“Would you help me?” He smiles.

The girl seems genuinely interested, so Peeta makes her stand in a chair so she can easily reach the top of the counter. With all the patience in the world, Peeta guides her step through step as she decorates her own cookie. I’m so engrossed with the scene in front of me; I don’t see a frantic lady looking for her lost kid.

-“Has someone seen a little girl, about 2 years old?” The lady is on the verge of tears.

-“Mommy!” I hear the girl squealing in delight.

-“There you are!” The lady practically yanks her from the counter and holds her tightly in her arms, refusing to let her go.

-“Thank you. For keeping my daughter safe.” The gratitude rings loud and clear in the women’s voice.

-“You are more than welcome. Here, don’t forget your cookies.” He wraps her decorated cookies and hands them to the little girl.

-“How much for the cookies?” He mother asks.

-“Please, don’t even mention it. She earned them.”

He kneels so that he can be eye level with his little helper.

-“Come back soon ok? I can always use the help.” He smiles sweetly at her.

The girl simply nods and jumps in Peeta’s arms, giving him a big hug. It’s a funny contrast, her little hands wrapped around Peeta’s broad shoulders. I don’t know why in that moment I felt this unexpected rush of warmth course through me. The little girl lets go of him and grabs her mother’s hand and together they exit the bakery. Peeta stands and stays there for a long time, he smiles to himself and heads to the back of the bakery.

I can’t seem to get the scene out of my mind. I keep replaying it in my head, and I don’t understand why I keep thinking about it. I decide to push the thought out of my mind, the last thing I need right now is trying to make sense of things that I don’t understand.

\--------------------o--------------------

It’s so cold, so bitterly cold. I’m trying to reach Snow’s mansion. I have to keep pushing, moving forward. That’s when the first round of gunshots go off, I see this little girl kneeling against a motionless body, she keeps trying to wake her up. Little does she know her mother is long gone. I can’t take my eyes off her, that’s when I see the rain of bullets slicing her chest. She’s thrown back with such a force, her tiny body crumples in the ground and no one seems to care. I try to reach her, even though I know it’s useless. I can feel the scream forming in my throat, so I finally let go.

-“Katniss! What’s wrong? Please wake up.” Peeta keeps shaking me, a little bit too hard for comfort. I open my eyes and immediately start making those horrible choking sounds when I cry.

-“Katniss, please talk to me. You are safe, I’m here.”

I can’t bring myself to talk; this by far has been one of the worst nightmares I’ve had in recent memory. Peeta quickly realizes this was a terrible nightmare and carefully picks me up in his arms and takes me to the living room. He takes a sit in the couch and carefully sets me in his lap. He never lets go of me, and I don’t want him too. It takes me a long time to stop shaking and when I do, I can’t seem to find my voice.

-“Please Katniss, stay with me. Don’t shut me out. You hear me? I love you.”

It’s his voice that slowly brings me back to reality; I slowly snap out of it and wrap my arms around his neck. Practically choking him. We stay like that for a long time. He clears his throat.

-“Katniss, what was it? I’ve never seen you like this.”

-“You didn’t see her.”

-“See who?”

-“The day the Capitol fell, I saw how this little girl in a yellow coat got killed. I saw the bullets entering her. I saw her die.”

-“Katniss, you’ve never mentioned this before.”

-“I just couldn’t bring myself to talk about it. That image has never left me. I can still hear her voice.”

He sighs heavily. –“I’m so sorry Katniss. I know is not much, but I’m here ok? For anything.”

I place my head in the base of his collarbone and simply stay there, waiting for the soothing sound of his heart to calm me.

-“Katniss, can I ask you something?”

-“Sure.”

-“Is that little girl one of the reasons you don’t want to have children?”

-“Partly. One of my biggest fears is to lose my children to this cruel world. I’ve seen so much pain already Peeta, I just can’t do it and I’m sorry for that.”I blink away the tears.

-“Hey, that’s ok. Please don’t cry. It’s all good.” He kisses my cheek. “Why don’t you go back to sleep? We can stay here if you want to.”

-“Ok.”

Peeta rubs soothing circles and I’m finally able to relax enough to try to get some sleep. Not long after, I feel Peeta getting up the couch, and gently placing me in it. I open my eyes and he tells me:

-“I’m heading over to the bakery. Are you going to be ok?” I can see the concern in his eyes.

-“I hope so.” I really don’t want to be alone today. Peeta must sense this, because when he speaks again he tells me:

-“You know what? I’m staying here today. The bakery can wait.”

-“That’s ok Peeta, you can go.”

-“No way. It’s been a long time since I’ve taken a day off anyway. Today seems like a perfect day to. Scoot over; I’m still a bit sleepy.”

I make room for him and soon enough I’m drifting off. When we finally wake up, I know we’ve over slept. A quick look at the windows confirms it must be way into the afternoon. Peeta stretches and yawns.

-“I can’t remember when was the last time I’ve slept this much. I’ve missed it.”

-“I’m going to take a shower, I’ll be right back.” I give him a quick kiss.

I head over to our room, to our bathroom for a much needed shower. My mind is racing with so many thoughts. I don’t understand what brought upon such terrible nightmare. I keep thinking it has to be what happened between Peeta and that little girl in the bakery. I’ve always known Peeta would be a great father, but yesterday I saw for the first time that thing we’ve been missing. I’m also terrified that for the first time, the thought of having children was actually a reality. My nightmare confirms my fears are not without foundation, they are real. How can I love my children, when in the inside I’m such a wasteland? Is not fair for anyone. Not me. Not Peeta. It makes me sad that I can’t give him one of the things he wants the most. However, is not that I can’t, but that I don’t want to. That makes me feel awful, like I’m denying Peeta’s happiness when he has already given me so much in return. I turn off the shower and quickly change into simple garments. I make my way back to the living room; Peeta is still lying in the couch.

-“My turn to take a shower, I’ll be right back.” He mimics me and gives me a quick kiss.

I simply smile at him and watch him head over to our room. I keep thinking the fact that I can give Peeta what he wants; it would be selfish for me not to. Deep down in my heart I know Peeta would love to be a father, and if there’s someone with so much love to give, is him. Love. That sole word stops me on my tracks. The love Peeta and I have must be shared. I know he would love our children beyond anything. I remember Haymitch words, _“When you love, you love forever.”_  Could that be true? Can I love my children without fear? That’s when it strucked me. Yes I can. 

I’ve come to the realization just as Peeta is coming back from his shower. I take a long look at him and see everything I fell in love with. His kindness, his patience, his loving side…everything. He smiles at me, and I finally make my mind. It’s something we both need. I can’t keep being selfish and denying ourselves happiness. He takes a sit next to me and wraps his arm around me. I turn to face him and smile at him. He grabs my chin and slowly plants a kiss on my lips. The feeling in my chest has never dissipated and I can feel the hunger I felt on the beach make its way towards me. I wrap my arms around the nape of his neck and hold him there. I can feel our kisses become more urgent. I can feel Peeta pushing me on my back so that he is on top of me. The passion doesn’t seem to fade and I find myself reaching for the hem of his shirt and I can feel his stomach muscles clench with anticipation.

We head to a place governed only by our senses. 


	15. Chapter 15

I can barely make it to bathroom in time before my dinner decides to make its reappearance. As I kneel by the toilet, I can barely make out Peeta’s voice, emanating from our bedroom.

-“Katniss, are you ok?” I can hear him getting out of bed.

Just when I’m about to answer him, a second round of vomit makes its way into the toilet. When it feels like everything is out of my system, there’s this horrible taste that pervades in my mouth. I can’t find the will to move, if I do, I know there will be more nausea. I look up from the toilet and find Peeta watching me anxiously from the door.

-“What’s wrong?” He comes closer and kneels beside me.

-“I don’t know.” I answer him weakly.

-“C’mon, let’s get you back to bed.” He starts to pick me up.

-“Please Peeta, I can’t move.” I make a feeble attempt to push him away.

-“Then I’m staying here. Is there anything you need?”

-“Peeta, I don’t want you to see me like this. Just go.”

-“Absolutely not.” He then flushes the toilet and slowly starts cleaning my sweaty face with a damp towel. “I’ll be right back. I’m going to get you water and some medicine.”

 -“Ok.” It's all I say.

As I wait for Peeta to come back with the medicine, I start to realize this is the third day I’ve been sick. I’ve had morning sickness here and there but nothing like tonight. This nausea is somehow different. It comes out of nowhere and leaves out of nowhere. Maybe I’m overreacting; it’s probably something I ate. Peeta then enters the bathroom and slowly coaxes some water and medicine into me. It makes me feel slightly better but in no way I’ll be able to move from here. I rest my head in the cold bathroom floor, waiting for the nausea to pass. Shortly after, Peeta decides to bring some pillows and blankets for a makeshift bed. He stays with me all night, in case things got worse. I don’t think he had a minute of sleep.

When the skies finally announce its daytime, my body feels incredibly tired but thankfully there aren’t any more nauseas or morning sickness. I’m slowly getting up when I hear Peeta’s voice behind me.

-“Are you feeling better?” He helps me get up.

I was about to answer him when my knees buckled under my weight. If it wasn’t for Peeta and his ready arms, I would’ve crashed onto the floor.

-“Katniss, that’s it. I’m taking you to the doctor.” He sets me carefully in the edge of the bathtub.

-“I’m fine really. No need for a doctor.”

-“I’m not taking any chances. I’ll bring you some clothes and we’ll be on our way. Wait here.”

Great. The last thing I want right now is a visit to the doctor. I’ve spent too much time in hospitals. I try to avoid them if possible. I don’t have the energy to fight, so I might as well comply. Maybe a visit to the doctor will convince him everything is fine. Peeta is already dressed up when he comes back. He waits for me to change and when I make my second attempt to stand up, I find my legs can’t bear any weight at all.

-“I’ll carry you.” He scoops me in his arms.

-“Are you sure?”

-“Never underestimate the strength of a baker.”

Despite myself, I smile. To my surprise, the walk to the clinic, which is just outside the skirts of Victors Village, takes no time at all. The clinic was built after the war, and most of the medicines come from the District itself. When we enter the clinic, Peeta sits me in the waiting area while he gets help in the lobby. As I’m sitting, I’m just trying to hold it together. If I break my concentration, there’s going to be more than floor to clean up. Peeta comes back and takes a sit beside me. He holds my hand.

-“They should be here any minute.” He taps his foot nervously.

-“Thank you.”

-“For what?” He looks at me.

-“For everything.” He smiles and brings our entwined hands close to his face and plants a small kiss. To calm his nerves Peeta resorts to play with my fingers. I find it calms the rising anxiety I’m feeling right now. Shortly after, I hear my name being called by a polite looking doctor.

-“Katniss Everdeen?” She spots me. “Would you please come with me?”

Peeta is the first to speak.

-“She can hardly walk. Can I please take her in? I can wait outside.”

-“That’s ok. Please follow me.” Peeta carefully picks me up and we follow the doctor to a clean, sterile looking office.

-“Please set her here.” She pats an examination bed.

With all the care in the world, Peeta sets me in the bed. He kisses my hand one last time and ushers out of the room, not without first thanking the doctor for her help. The doctor takes a sit beside the bed and clears her throat.

-“So tell me Katniss. What seems to be the problem?”

-“I’ve been having this terrible morning sickness and last night, I had a terrible nausea episode.”

-“I see. How long have you been feeling this way?”

-“A few days. Could be more though.”

-“Would you mind if I ask you a rather personal question?”

-“Not at all.”

-“When was the last time you had your period?”

The question stops me on my tracks. I don’t remember when the last time I had my period was. Shock must have registered in my face; the doctor again clears her throat.

-“Could you give me you closest guess then?”

-“I don’t know. 2 months?”

-“Alright then. I’m going to run a few tests. For what I’m looking, you might be pregnant.”

Pregnant. As the word resonates through my mind, there’s only thing I register: fear. I’m in a daze as the doctor practices all the necessary tests to prove if in fact, Im pregnant. When I feel like I can’t breathe anymore, when I feel the scream about to leave my throat, the doctor finally speaks.

-“Katniss, I think Peeta should be here with you for this.”

She leaves the room and quickly returns with Peeta on tow. “Please Peeta, take a seat. I know things have been rough for you two over the years and by looking at Katniss’s reaction, I thought it was best if the two of you were present to hear this. Katniss is indeed pregnant. She is almost 2 months far along. Congratulations are in order for you two.”

 For a very long time, Peeta and I just sit there in stunned silence. I can’t form a single cohesive thought let alone find my voice. Peeta is slowly processing the news. It takes a long time before he speaks. 

-“That’s amazing. I can’t believe it.” His voice catches at little bit at the end. He stands and kneels beside me. “Did you hear that? We are going to be parents.” His teary eyes give me the courage to answer him.

-“Yes. You are going to be a father.” I wipe his tears away. He kisses me and quickly turns his attention to the doctor.

-“So what’s next?” The excitement in his voice is clear.

-“Well, from now on it’s all about taking it easy Katniss. Physical activity is allowed, as long as you don’t over strain yourself. Be careful of not doing any heavy lifting. Make sure to eat as healthy as you can. The best advice I can give you is to enjoy your pregnancy and try to make the best of the good parts. Pregnancy is not an easy process by any means, so I strongly encourage for the two of you to do it together. It’s all about understanding, love does the rest. Oh and I want to see you every month if possible. I’ll give you all my contact information in case anything happens.”

I barely heard what the doctor has said. I can’t seem to focus in anything. I feel like I’m trapped in this sinkhole of fear. I can only think of my unborn child, I’m bringing him/her to this cruel world. I want to shut out the world; to a place I can protect my child of any harm. A place where I know they are safe. I vaguely hear Peeta’s next question.

-“When would we be able to know if it’s a boy or a girl?”

-“Probably around the 4th or 5th month of the pregnancy. We should be able to do an ultrasound by then.”

-“That’s great. I think that’s all the questions we have for now.”

-“If you ever need anything, please, don’t hesitate in contacting me.”

-“Thank you so much doctor. We really appreciate it. Katniss, are you ready to go?”

-“Uhmm yeah sure. Let’s go.” I can’t wait to get out of this place.

Just when we are about to leave, the doctor’s voice stops me.

 -“Katniss, everything is going to be ok. I promise.” She says her goodbyes and goes back to her office.

How can she promise me that? She has no idea of everything Peeta and I have been through. She has no idea of my fears, of the pain we’ve suffered. Her promise only adds to my ever-growing sense of fear. I feel like running, to run as fast as I can and never look back. I want to get away from everything. It’s only Peeta’s hand that keeps me here.

Once we finally reach our home, Peeta carefully tucks me in the living room couch while he gets something to eat. He offered me lunch, but I can’t bring myself to eat anything. I’m already breaking the doctor’s rules. No more proof is needed that I’ll be a terrible mother. As I figure out my next move, I feel Peeta taking a sit next to me. He grabs my hand.

-“Katniss, we have to talk about this.”

-“What do you want me to say?”

-“Well, for starters, you can tell what’s on your mind.”

-“That’s a good question, why don’t you tell me your best guess?” I answer him in a harsh tone.

-“You are scared.” It’s neither a question nor an accusation. It’s the truth.

-“Yes. I’m terrified. I don’t know what to do.”

He sighs heavily. –“Katniss, there’s nothing to be scared of. We can do this. I would’ve never asked for this if deep in my heart I knew we couldn’t do it. I know we can. I have faith in the both of us.”

-“Peeta, you don’t understand. What happens when they find out who we are ,the things we went through?”

-“Katniss, don’t you see it? We have each other. And the book. When the time comes, we’ll be able to explain them about our lives, in a way that makes them feel brave not scared. Like the doctor said, is not going to be easy but I promise to be every step of the way.”

-“I’m scared I won’t know how to love them the way they deserve.”

-“Katniss, children love unconditionally. They will love you no matter what. You love more deeply than anyone I’ve ever met. At the end of the day, it was your love that saved me. I can’t ask for a more loving person to be the mother of my children. I don’t think you’ll never see the effect you can have. You’ll love our children in a way no one else can. Love is meant to be shared Katniss.”

I don’t know why his voice reaches me when no one else’s can. I know every word that Peeta spoke rings with truth. I look at Peeta and realize his love saved me too. Children love in a pure, unaltered way. If Peeta’s love saved me, can my child’s love heal me? Something deep down lets me know that this is right; I just have to look past my fears. I think is finally time to give myself a chance to truly be happy. I’m smiling when I hear Peeta’s voice.

-“Thank you.”

-“For what?”

-“For giving me the best gift ever.” He softly lays his hand in my belly and comes closer and speaks tenderly to it. “I can’t wait to meet you. I love you.” He plants a kiss in my stomach. He looks up at me. “And I love you.”

-“I love you too.”

He holds my face in his hands, tenderly, with a featherlike touch. He kisses me and when we break apart he lays his forehead in mine. No matter what happens from now on, I can’t keep forgetting that with Peeta by my side, we could do anything.

For the first time, I allow myself to imagine a life with my own child in it. 


	16. Chapter 16

When the doctor said pregnancies aren’t easy, she couldn’t be more right. The past couple of months have been incredible difficult. Not only for me, but for Peeta as well. He’s been so patient throughout the whole process, sometimes I feel bad for everything he has to endure. I don’t know how he does it; I guess the prospect of having children is what keeps him going. Sometimes it’s only him that makes me push forward, to keep trying. I sometimes believe giving up would be a more simple solution, but that would mean breaking my promise to all my loved ones I’ve lost through the years. I can’t back down, but sometimes it’s just too hard. Just like everyone else, we have good days and we have bad days.

**\-----------------------o----------------------**

I had just woken up when I felt this horrible sensation in my stomach. Close to the place where my baby is. I was so consumed with fear; my natural reaction was to scream. So I did. It was a blood curling scream; I could literally feel my throat going sore. I was still screaming when Peeta came crashing to the bedroom. He grabs my face and forces me to make eye contact with him.

-“Katniss! What’s wrong?” His voice is pleading.

-“Something is wrong with the baby.” My voice is barely audible. It hurts to get every word out.

I can see the color drain from Peeta’s face and his hands are visibly shaking. I can’t find the will to comfort him, I can only think of the movements I feel in my belly.

-“I think I need to go to the doctor.” I say the words, but my body refuses to move. “Peeta, can you please help me?”

Peeta slowly snaps out of it and I can see the fear in his own face, echoing my own.

-“Wait here. I’ll call the doctor at the clinic.” He runs downstairs.

The fear I feel right now seems so familiar. I can only compare it to the time I was trying to reach Peeta during the Quarter Quell, or the time I was trying to reach Prim that awful day. I can feel the fear slowly building up; I’m terrified of the place I’ll head if I snap. Peeta quickly comes back with news.

-“I spoke with the doctor and she is waiting for us.” He gets me a fresh pair of clothes and before I know it, we are hurrying towards the clinic.

The moment we enter the clinic, the doctor is waiting for us. She points to a nearby wheelchair.

-“Please Peeta, sit Katniss in the chair. I’ll take it from here.”

He kneels beside me and looks me in the eye.

 -“Everything is going to be ok. I’ll be right here waiting for you. I love you. Please, stay here with me.”

I know what he means. He is afraid I’ll shut away from the world. To a place only I know.

-“Peeta we have to go. I’ll let you know as soon as we know what the problem is.” There’s urgency in the doctor’s voice.

As soon as Peeta lets go, the doctor is quickly taking me to an examination room. Her expert hands quickly run all the tests, trying to find out what’s wrong. When I’ve lost track of time and space, I hear the doctor’s voice trying to get my attention. It takes all the energy in me to focus.

-“Katniss, there’s nothing wrong with you or the baby physically. Can you please tell me what happened today?” Her voice is kind, almost mother like.

-“I felt something inside me, weird movements that is. Almost like a stirring. Something must be wrong with my baby.”

As I’m telling this to the doctor I can see her smiling. I don’t understand her response. Why isn’t she worrying? I can feel something resembling anger boiling inside me.

-“Katniss, that’s perfectly normal. There’s nothing wrong with the baby.”

-“What do you mean?”

-“The baby is moving. It moves so it’s more comfortable inside there. If anything, you should be thrilled about it. The movements mean the baby is perfectly fine.”

I stay there, trying to find some sense in the doctor’s words.

-“I’m sorry Katniss, I’ve should explained this to you earlier. The baby’s first movements are a time of joy for most parents. I’m sorry you missed out on that.” She sighs tiredly. “Katniss, I don’t know all the details of everything you and Peeta have been through. I know enough to know, that this evident fear you have is a result of many tramautic experiences. That’s completely understandable. As your doctor, I can promise to give you and your baby the best care possible.”

I’m too stunned to give the doctor any response. She must know, because the next time she speaks she says:

-“Katniss, I’ll be right back. I’ll explain to Peeta everything that’s going on.”

-“Ok.”

She leaves the room. Shortly after that, she returns with Peeta right on her heals. When he sees me, the relief in his face is clear.

-“Are you ready to go home?”

-“Yes.”

He turns to the doctor. -“Thank you. I can’t tell you how grateful I’m for all your help.”

-“There’s nothing to thank Peeta. You did the right thing by bringing her in. If there’s any emergency, you know where to find me.”

-“Thanks again doctor.” He turns to me. “C’mon let’s go.” He carefully picks me up.

-“I think I’m good enough to walk.”

-“Alright then.” He makes me stand but never lets go of my hand.

The slow walk to Victors Village is very silent. I don’t know what to say and I don’t think Peeta knows either. When we arrive, Peeta offers me some tea and fresh cookies. I accept his offer; I think it makes him feel better having something to do. I decide to head over to the living room, I keep thinking of what happened today. When he returns, he takes a sit next to me.

-“Katniss, I’m sorry.” His voice catches at the end.

-“Why are you sorry?” The surprise in my voice is evident.

-“I should’ve never pushed the idea of having children. We are not ready. I can’t get out of my head the image of you screaming this morning. It’s all I can think about. I can’t tell you how sorry I’m.” He looks down, refusing to look at me.

That’s when I felt the stirring again. I feel the same wave of fear I felt this morning, but instead of screaming, I grab Peeta’s hand.

-“Here.” I place his hand in my protruding belly. I see his face lightning up and I know he feels it too. “That’s our child.”

-“Yes it is. We are going to be ok right?” It’s the first time he’s ever doubted the future. It makes my heart hurt.

I never thought our roles would’ve ever be reversed. It’s always been Peeta the one reassuring me. It’s my turn to let him know we are going to be ok.

-“We are going to be alright. We’ve always found a way to.”

To make my point clearer, I can feel our baby kicking. Perhaps this is his/her way to let us know that the future always holds hope.

-“I love you both. I hope you never forget that.”

-“We love you too.” He comes closer and wraps his arms around me. Right now, there’s no safer place in the world.

Even though fear is looming over me, I can feel hope slowly shining in. 


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably my favorite chapter so far, I loved writing it and I hope you enjoy reading it! As always don't forget to leave Kudos and comments! Enjoy! Oh and Merry Christmas!

The final months of the pregnancy have been by far one the most difficult things I’ve ever endured. Considering everything I’ve been through, that’s quite the statement. The past 9 months have been tainted by fear. Is hard to believe I’ve been living in a constant state of fear and terror for so long. Sometimes I don’t know how I’ve managed through. If the baby moves I’m paralyzed with terror. If the baby doesn’t move, the same happens. It’s an ongoing cycle, and I don’t know how long I’ll be able to take it. I try to put on a brave face for Peeta but I don’t fool him, he knows how much I’m struggling. I know it hurts him to see me like this; a part of him blames himself. Every time I take a look at the mirror, I wonder “How can someone love such a wasteland of a person?” I think of my unborn child, of the time he or she finds out who we are, of the things we’ve done. Will he or she hate us? Be disappointed of us? The answer to those questions always makes me choke with sadness, with a pain I can’t describe. Peeta tries to gently remind me that our child will love us no matter what. On the good days, I believe it. On the really bad days, it’s the only hope that spurs me forward. I can’t wait for the pregnancy to be over; it has really taken its toll emotionally on the both of us. Once the baby is born, a new set of battles will come. Life is a never ending cycle of battles and victories.

**\-------------o-----------------**

Ever since that first pregnancy scare, Peeta reduced the amount of hours he was at the bakery. I tried to convince him that it wasn’t necessary, that I was going to be ok. He simply waved him off, and told me he wanted to be around in case anything happened. I think he feels better this way, to feel useful. Sometimes it drives me insane but I try to remember it’s been hard for him too. So if this helps him, who am I to say anything?

I was slowly waking up from thankfully, a nightmare free sleep. I was feeling hungry, and the smells emanating from the kitchen could only mean that Peeta was already cooking breakfast. I’ve always heard that during pregnancies, women tend to have specific cravings, but that wasn’t my case. After years of struggling with hunger, the last thing in my mind is having issues with food. As I enter the kitchen, I can see Peeta putting the finishing touches on our breakfast. He turns around from the stove and spots me.

-“Oh hey, good morning. Are you hungry?” It’s impossible for his good mood to not be contagious.

-“Yes. Starving actually.”

-“Well this is almost ready, why don’t you get some juice for the both of us.” He turns his attention to the skillet.

I had just opened the fridge when I heard it. This awful rupture sound. Right after that, I could feel this pain emanating from my lower body. I look down to find this clear liquid trickling down my legs and making a small puddle on the floor. I’m paralyzed; every muscle in my body is locked in place. I finally manage to find my voice.

-“Peeta?” I croak out. It’s barely a whisper.

-“Katniss? Are you ok?” I’m frozen by the fridge, and he comes closer to see what the problem is. He takes one look at the floor and his face goes pale. “What’s wrong?” He comes even closer and I collapse in his arms. He catches me just in time.

-“It hurts.” Is all I manage to say.

He carefully scoops me in his arms and takes me to the living room couch, the breakfast already forgotten.  He takes my face in his hands and tells me.

-“I’ll be right back. I’m going to get Haymitch.” He storms out the door.

Vaguely at the back of mind I wonder why on Earth Peeta will go get Haymitch. Then I realize, we are about to face a difficult test in our lives, we need all the support possible. I’m trying to hold it together, if I start screaming I’ll lose it. As I struggle to keep my breathing even, I see Peeta entering the house with Haymitch right after him. When he sees my face and the mess trickling down my legs, his face sobers up.

-“What the hell?”

-“C’mon Haymitch, help me get her to the clinic.” Peeta slowly picks me up and Haymitch quickly follows suit.

I can feel the scream forming in my throat fighting to get out. I clamp my teeth, it helps ease up the pain I’m in and it fights the urge to scream. With every jostle, I find my will slowly crumpling. I know Peeta and Haymitch trying to be careful but the uneven streets make it difficult and the pain from my stomach has grown. I take my first real breath when I see the clinic, and not long after we are storming in it. I know the pain will be over soon. The doctor was talking to a patient when she spots us.

-“Whats wrong?” There’s a calm façade in her, it instantly makes me feel better.

-“I think she is going into labor.” It’s Peeta who answers her.

-“Alright then. Follow me.” We follow her into a room that’s not her office. The room is brightly lit and there’s a lot of medical equipment in it. The sharp, clean smell makes me dizzy. “Please set her here.” As she is helping Peeta and Haymitch, two nurses make their way to the bed.

Once I’m comfortable enough in the bed, the nurses are ushering Peeta and Haymitch out of the room. I tightly grasp Peeta’s hand.

-“Please don’t go. Stay.” I refuse to let go of his hand.

Peeta looks at the doctor with pleading eyes, begging her to let him stay. He must’ve convinced her, because she lets him stay. Haymitch has quietly left the room.

-“Just this once, but please put this on.” She hands Peeta a disposable robe and something that covers his shoes.

-“I’ll be right back Katniss, I’m not going anywhere.” He kisses my hand.

The doctor looks at me and is quick to reassure me.

-“It’s going to be ok Katniss, so far everything looks in order.” With the help of the nurses, she helps me get into more comfortable clothes. Something tells me the hardest part isn’t here yet. Peeta comes back from changing clothes and quietly takes a sit next to me. He takes my hand.

“Are you feeling better?”

I was about to answer him when I felt this tensing in my abdomen. It’s such a horrible sensation and I can feel my whole body tensing as well. I’m fighting against it and then the tension vanishes. I’m breathing heavily and feeling more tired than a minute ago. I can see the anxiety in Peeta’s face. He knows there are no words that’ll make me feel better, so he just stays there, stroking my face, letting me know he is here. When the doctor comes to check up on me, I ask her about the tension I’ve been feeling.

-“They are called contractions. With time, they’ll grow more frequently and will last longer. This is one of the hardest parts Katniss, and we’ll try to do our best to ease the pain as much as we can.”

I’m appalled by the fact that this will go on for hours. With every passing hour, the contractions become more and more unbearable. I think I’ve crushed Peeta’s hand beyond use, but not once he complains. He just stays there, cleaning my sweaty face, making it easier. When it feels like an eternity, the doctor comes back and after probing with her fingers, she announces “It’s time.” She calls the two nurses from earlier.

Those two words make go cold. I’m scared of what’s to follow. I can feel the desperation rising in me. Peeta must sense it because he tells me.

-“Katniss, shh. We are here. Nothing is going to happen. No matter what, I love you.” I look at his blue eyes and I know he is telling me the truth.

I break away from Peeta’s face and turn to the doctor.

-“Ok, I’m ready.” A whisper is all I can manage.

-“Alright Katniss, I need you to push. I’ll tell you when to stop.”

With every ounce of strength left in my body, I push as hard as I can. I hear the doctor count to ten and tells me to stop.

-“Very good Katniss, catch your breath and let’s try again.”

I push again and I can feel a slow detachment from my lower body. The doctor tells me to stop. The cycle goes on. I push, the doctor tells me to stop. I feel like I’m slipping away, my body feels too tired. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to push. Peeta’s stays very quiet; he must be at a loss for words. Just when I’m about to break, I hear the doctor telling me:

-“Ok, just one more push Katniss. One more.”

I don’t know where I got the strength to make that final push, just when I’m about collapse, I hear it for the first time. I hear my child cry. Right at that moment, a thousand feelings surged through me. It’s something I’ll never be able to put into words.

-“It’s a girl.” The doctor announces.

She was here, my miracle was finally here. I could see her now, her tiny body. She was still crying but with every piercing cry, I felt more alive than ever. I force myself to look away from my daughter to look at Peeta. He is mesmerized by the look of our daughter. I can see the tears streaming for his eyes and he finally speaks.

-“She’s beautiful.”  With those words, I’ve never been happier in my life.

I’m still at a loss for words when I see the doctor taking my daughter away from the room. The indescribable joy is quickly replaced with fear.

-“Peeta, where are they taking her?”

-“I don’t know.”

That’s when I start screaming.

I’m terrified. Where are they taking my daughter? She was here a minute ago, all perfect and beautiful. I’m trashing on my bed, trying to get to my daughter. Peeta carefully restrains me and makes me look at him.

-“Katniss, look at me. Our daughter is fine. She’s with the doctor, she’s in good hands. Please, be calm. I’m going to look for the doctor.” He looks at me until I’m calm enough and quickly leaves the room.

I’m trying so hard not to get out of this bed and completely lose it. I try to remember Peeta’s words, that our daughter is safe. To me the safest place for her is here with me and Peeta. I look at my hands for a long time, trying to hold on to my sanity, when I hear Peeta’s voice.

-“Katniss?” I look up and see him standing in the doorway, a small bundle in his arms. I can see his eyes assessing me to see if I’m ok. He breaks into a smile and comes close to the bed. “Want to meet our daughter?”

He carefully sets our daughter in my arms and all the terror inside me immediately vanishes. It feels like I’ve finally reached my destination after a long journey. I look at her and see her baby face. It’s perfect. Her head is covered with dark hair and I can’t help to smile. Her eyes flutter open and I see them.

-“She has your eyes.” I gasp quietly.

There they are, Peeta’s most striking feature, staring back at me. I’ll never forget that moment, when my daughter looked at me in the eyes for the first time. I make room for Peeta, and he takes a sit next to me, wrapping me with his long arm. With his free hand he grabs our daughter’s hand. Immediately she wraps her tiny hand in Peeta’s fingers. A single tear escapes from his eye.

-“Thank you. For bringing happiness to our lives. I love you.” He looks up from our daughter and he looks at me. “I love you.”

-“I love you too. We are a family now.” I bring my daughter closer and plant a delicate kiss on her forehead.

I’ve never been an expert in love, but the love I feel right now is something no one should ever miss out on. I almost missed it myself, but she is here now and we are finally complete.

We stay there for a long time, huddled together as a family. Watching our daughter, as if she were the most engrossing film ever.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A new chapter! I will post the next one once the story reaches 650 hits! As always, don't forget to leave a comment/kudos and ENJOY!

The doctor insisted to keep me and the baby under observation for a few days after she was born. I really didn’t understand why, I felt perfectly fine. When I asked the doctor, she seemed reluctant to answer. I could tell the subject made her uncomfortable.

-“Katniss, I wanted to makes sure both your mental and physical health was at its best. I was worried about you, considering everything you’ve been through. So far, everything seems great. I’m sorry for keeping you in here longer than you wanted.”

-“That’s ok. I understand.” In part, the doctor was right. I’m glad she is keeping an eye on me. Just when the doctor is about to leave, I speak again.

-“Thank you. Really.”

She smiles. –“You’re more than welcome Katniss. If you ever need anything, I mean anything; you know where to find me.”

I smile back. “I’ll keep that in mind. Thanks.”

As she exits the door, I see Peeta entering, our daughter in his arms.

Peeta has been ecstatic since the birth of our child. I see the wonder in his eyes as we watches our daughter for hours at an end. His eyes are fixed on her, like she is the most beautiful thing in the world, and she is. I see the pride in his eyes, as he strokes her tiny cheeks with his fingers. I don’t think he has stopped smiling since she was born. The happiness in his face is different, it seems more pure. He loves to set her in his broad chest as she sleeps. Just like me, she loves the sound of Peeta’s heartbeat. I can’t really blame her, there’s no more beautiful sound in the world.

As for me, most of the time I have a hard time believing she is here, with us. I keep waiting for someone to take her away, to a place where I can’t reach her. When thoughts like this cloud my mind, I’m filled with terror that felt as old as life itself. Only the joy of holding in her arms could tame it. When she is in my arms, I feel whole again. I can never have enough of her. To me she means everything. When I look at her, I see a miracle. She is the perfect proof that life always moves on, that it can be good again. I never thought that could be possible, but it is. I want to give her everything she deserves; I owe her the biggest debt of all: she saved us.

I’m lost in my thoughts that I didn’t realize Peeta’s standing next to my bed. He chuckles quietly.

-“You ok? You seem a bit out of it.”

I laugh quietly. “Yeah. Just lost track of time I guess.”

“Well, are you ready to go home?”

-“Please. I can’t wait.”

-“Alright then, I brought you some clothes. When you are ready, we’ll be on our way.” He hands me a bag filled with clothes. The happiness in his voice is unmistakable.

Once I’m clean and in fresh pair of clothes, I head out and find Peeta in the lobby.

-“Ready?”

-“Yes.”

I sign a few release forms and before I know it, we are heading to our home. Peeta offers to carry her, since the terrain is a bit uneven and I’m still weak from giving birth. As we walk in companionable silence, I realize how different life has turned out for me. I never wanted to marry, but I did. I never wanted children, but here I am, my husband next to me, carrying our daughter. I’ve come to understand that our plans rarely turn out the way we want them to. Sometimes, they turn out better. A single look at Peeta and my daughter is enough proof of that. For the first time since the parachutes went off, life has meaning again. I hear Peeta calling my name and I force myself to focus.

-“Hey, what are you thinking about? You seem lost in thought.”

-“About life.”

-“What about it?”

I’ve never been good at putting my thoughts into words, but I have to try.

-“I look at you and our daughter and I see everything that matters to me. I never wanted to marry, to have children. Now, I can’t picture my life any differently.” I stay quiet for a long time, embarrassed to look at Peeta.

Keeping one arm secured around our daughter, he grabs my hand and plants a kiss in it. It takes a long time before he speaks.

-“I know what you mean. Sometimes, life turns out better than we could ever imagine. I know it did for me.” He smiles.

I give his hand a reassuring squeeze. “For me too.”

We don’t speak again until we reach our house in Victor’s Village. As I open the door, I hear Peeta talking to our baby.

-“Welcome home sweetie.”

We head to our living room couch. I prop my knees up and Peeta carefully sets her there, she is still fast asleep. He takes a sit next to me. We both stay there quietly, drinking the sight of our daughter.

“Do you think we’ll be good parents?” I ask.

Just when Peeta is about to answer, she starts stirring and for a split second I think she might be having a nightmare. Not knowing what to do, I’m about to rouse her when something unexpected happens. She smiles in her sleep. I froze up and I see her tiny smile, nestled perfectly in her baby features. For a moment I think I must be imagining it. I look at Peeta and I know he sees it, and he’s mesmerized by it. With all the care in the world, I stroke her tiny cheek and her smile widens. Peeta carefully strokes her head and the smile never leaves her face.

-“You know, I think we are going to be great parents.” He kisses me tenderly.

For the first time, I believe it.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! It took no time to reach 650 hits! So as promised, here's the new chapter! let's get to 710 views for the next chapter! Appreciate all the support! As always, leave a comment/kudos! But most importantly...ENJOY!

One of the many things I’ve learned throughout the years is that some scars never fully heal. No matter what, they are always there; to remind us of a past we can never escape. I’ve come to understand this better now. I will always carry the burden of my scars, both physically and emotionally. I’ve also come to learn that scars can get better, that you can move on, that life can always become something good. That was something I thought I would never understand. It’s not easy by any means. I find myself constantly making a list of every single act of kindness I’ve even seen someone do. This is one of the things that have helped the most. It’s repetitive. Like a game.

However, I can’t deny the tremendous progress both Peeta and I have made since our daughter came into our lives. It’s been almost 4 years since the first day I saw her striking blue eyes, and I can never get enough of them. Sometimes is hard to believe that someone so beautiful and pure came from someone like me. Since her birth, it’s not the bad things that are difficult to deal with, what’s really difficult is learning to appreciate the good things and relish in them. It’s a struggle I’ll always have. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll be able to enjoy the good things in my life, in a place where fear doesn’t exist.

Peeta has been an amazing father to our daughter. He loves her more than anything and I can’t help to smile when I see the true happiness in him every time he has her in his arms. There’s always this look in his eyes, as if he is seeing her for the very first time. Whenever I see that look, it’s one of those rare moments I feel real happiness and joy inside me. It’s a scary feeling and I don’t think I’ll ever get used to it.

Nightmares and flashbacks have always been part of our lives, but as time goes by, they’ve become less and less of a recurrence. We’ve always tried to hide them from our daughter, but no matter how hard we tried, she eventually saw how our past hunts us. She still doesn’t understand exactly what she saw.

The first and only time she saw Peeta have an episode, she had just turn 3. We were all in the kitchen. I was hovering near her as she drew with some scrap paper and pencils Peeta had given her. She loves to draw, just like her dad. Peeta was making us lunch. I was absorbed playing with our daughter when I first heard plates shattering in the floor. One look at him and I knew he was having an episode. I quickly grabbed her and took her away from the kitchen. I carefully sat her in the living room couch and told her not to move.

-“I’ll be right back dear. Promise me you won’t move.” I tried to sound calm and was failing miserably.

-“Ok mommy.” I could see the fear in her eyes. She must know something it’s not right.

I touched her cheek and offered her a shy smile. She didn’t return it. I quickly stand up from the couch and head quickly to the kitchen. I’m torn as to whether enter the kitchen or not. I didn’t know the degree of danger of this episode and I couldn’t take my chances with our daughter in such proximity. Out of fear I just stood in the kitchen doorway, watching Peeta struggle with his episode. No amount of time will diminish the pain I feel as I watch Peeta struggle with himself, as he fights the tracker jacker venom, the distorted memories. Tears escape my eyes when I notice my daughter making her way to where Peeta kneels. His knuckles white from hanging to the chair. I felt horrified as I saw her come closer and closer. I knew I couldn’t scream, that will only bring danger to us, not to mention Peeta will never forgive himself if he ever hurt us. I just stood there paralyzed, not knowing what to do.

When she was as close to Peeta as she could, she carefully laid her hand in Peeta’s rigid back.

-“Daddy, are you ok?” She tried unsuccessfully to shake him.

Peeta is still oblivious to the world, completely lost in a place of nightmares only he knows. She tries to shake him again and I see Peeta’s body go completely still. He turns around and looks at her in the eye. I was certain he still wasn’t completely in control of his episode. It took all the energy left in him to focus on our daughter face. He was confused; he couldn’t understand why she was in front of him.

-“Daddy are you ok? You wouldn’t move.” She said to him in a shy voice.

Peeta was unable to answer her; he is much disoriented after the episodes. After seeing she wasn’t getting any answer from her father. She carefully wrapped her arms around him. It took a long time before he returned the hug.

-“I’m ok sweetie. Thanks for taking care of me. Are you alright?” He was visibly shaking as he said the words; he must be thinking the worst. “Where’s mommy?”

-“I’m right here.” I came closer to them.

Peeta was still hugging our daughter and I could see him mouthing the words _“I’m sorry”_ over and over again. A single tear escaped his eyes, and he wouldn’t stop shaking. I didn’t know what to say. I was trying to find the right words when our daughter spoke.

-“Daddy are you cold? You are shaking.”

-“That’s ok sweetie, I’m just tired that’ all.”

She let’s go and offers Peeta her hand, as Peeta grabs it, she is making a huge effort to pick him up. It’s such a funny contrast; it actually coaxes a smile out of Peeta.

-“Easy there. I’m not as strong as you.” He smiles at her.

Pleased to have her dad back, our daughter carefully takes him to the living room couch.

-“Here daddy. Lay down.” She carefully drapes a blanket over him. She looks at me.

-“Mommy would you look after Daddy? I’ll be right back.”

-“Sure dear. Where are you going?” She doesn’t answer me, instead she hurries back to the kitchen.

We stay quiet for a long time. This was our worst nightmare come true. For our daughter to see the scars war left in the both of us.

-“Katniss, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say.”

-“It’s ok Peeta. We are ok. You are ok. She is ok. Nothing else matters to me.”

He takes my hand and I smile shyly at him. We stay in silence for a long time when we hear the sound of chairs scraping from the kitchen.

-“What’s that?” Peeta asks.

-“I don’t know. Stay here, I’ll go check.”

As I reach the source of the sound, I find my daughter standing on top of a chair trying to reach the cupboard were we keep our glasses. She has a look of extreme concentration, which I find absolutely hilarious.

-“Hey, what are you doing?”

-“I want to take water to Daddy, he must be thirsty.”

-“I think so too. Do you need help with that?”

-“Please.”

-“Here.” I reach for a glass, fill it with water and hand it to her. “Do you need anything else?”

-“No. Let’s go see Daddy.”

-“Alright then.” I help her get off the chair and she quickly grabs my hand. Together we go back to Peeta. When he sees us, he smiles sweetly at the both of us. It’s my favorite smile.

-“Hey there sweetie. What were you doing in the kitchen?”

-“I was getting you some water.”

-“You were?”

-“I thought you might be thirsty.”

-“Well you were right. I need water.” He smiles at her. She returns the smile and carefully hands him the glass of water. It’s a simple gesture, but it speaks volume. Our daughter loves us no matter what. There’s no questioning that.

Peeta is sure to drain the glass and makes a satisfying sound.

-“Thank you sweetie.” He hands her the glass.

-“You are welcome Daddy.” She heads to the kitchen and comes back empty handed.

-“Hey, would you like to make Daddy some company?” He scoots over and makes room for her, and she lies down next to him.

-“What about Mommy?”

-“You are right! Let’s make room for Mommy too.” They both scoot over to make room for me.

She loves to spend quiet time with the both of us. To me these are the moments that are priceless, the ones that don’t need words.

Peeta was quick to fall asleep and we soon followed suit. When we woke up, it was difficult to bask the sense of peacefulness and happiness we were feeling.

\-----------------------o----------------------

A similar thing happened about 6 months after Peeta’s episode.  I was trapped in an unspeakable nightmare and I was screaming at the top of my lungs. I could vaguely hear someone crying at the distance. When I finally was able to break away from my nightmare, I was shocked to see my daughter hovering over me. I could see her tear streaked face. I’m surprised to find Peeta sound asleep. He usually is quick to wake up when I’m having nightmares.

-“Hey dear, what’s wrong?”

-“I heard you screaming, and I couldn’t wake you up.” A new round of tears make their appearance.

-“Shh. It’s ok. Come here.” I open my arms to her.

We stay there for a long time. I can hear her sniffing. When I’m sure she is not crying anymore she speaks.

-“Are you scared?” She looks up.

-“Not anymore. You are here with me aren’t you?”

I sense Peeta waking up. He opens his eyes slowly and looks at us.

-“Hey, what’s going on here?” His voice is thick with sleep.

-“Mommy was having a nightmare and she wouldn’t wake up.”

Her words have an instant reaction on Peeta, he snaps wide awake.

-“Are you ok?” His voice is filled with nothing but concern.

-“I’m fine. Everything is ok. Why don’t we all go back to sleep? I’m sorry I woke you up dear.”

-“That’s ok Mommy. Do you want me to stay with you? I don’t want you to be scared.”

My throat constricts with an emotion I can’t put into words. I feel like crying.

-“I would love that. Thank you.” I make room for her between Peeta and me.

-“It’s ok if I stay Daddy?” She looks pleadingly at Peeta.

He just laughs and says:

-“Are you kidding? I would love for you to stay. That way I won’t be scared too. C’mon” He helps her get comfortable.

As we all slowly drift off, I feel my daughter slipping her hand into mine. She holds it tightly. Comforted by this gesture, I was able to find sleep again. This time, nightmare free.

Life is never easy, but moments like this…make everything worthwhile.


End file.
